


the weight on your shoulders

by lefiya



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Falling In Love, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-debut, Trainee AU, inspired by yixing's trainee days where he used to tie sandbags to himself, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2018-11-19 16:52:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 16
Words: 26,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11317647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lefiya/pseuds/lefiya
Summary: Jongin is 14 when he gets cast as a trainee for S.M Entertainment. He's always believed that hard work and determination would get him to debut.He's 16 when he thinks he's fallen in love and filled with self-doubt.After what seems like forever, he is told that he would be debuting in S.M's newest boy group. He's going to be a somebody.He's 18 when he gets the news.The age he gets his heart broken for the first time.





	1. in the sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story came to fruition because goddamn it there needs to be more kaixing in the world
> 
> originally meant to be a one shot, but i didn't like the formatting it had (using dividers to indicate passed time) so i just made it chaptered.
> 
> as indicated in the tags, i got the idea from yixing's habit of tying sandbags to himself in attempts to keep up with the other trainees.

To say that the main S.M Entertainment building was glorious was an understatement.

There were no words to describe its splendor. From an angle, it seemed the building was limitless and never-ending. Seemed that it touched the clouds that floated high in the beautiful, blue sky.

It's as if the building were otherworldly.

Jongin wants to look up at it for as long as he can 

He's made it this far, he'll be damned if he lets the opportunity and years go to waste.

He's so ready and determined to walk through this building every single day he can as a somebody.

He walks right in between the two, large glass doors; he's walking into a whole other life and leaving his ordinary one behind.

He's scared and nervous.

He pushes those thought aside quickly; he can't afford to let his emotions compromise his chance for success.

His feelings could be dealt with and sorted out once he debuted; _if_ he even debuted.

Call him a foolish kid, but he believes in fate and destiny.

He got casted for a reason and stands here in this brightly-lit lobby for that same reason.

He doesn't need to have a negative mindset here, especially not now.

He can and will debut.

He looks over to the S.M logo adorning the wall across from him.

He has no need to burn the image into his memory.

He's going to be seeing that logo everyday in the future.

As a somebody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for reference:
> 
> jongin is cast in 2007. (age 14)


	2. you shine so bright

Truth be told, being a trainee was easier than he initially thought.

There were two mandatory lessons to attend, considering you weren't a foreign trainee: singing lessons and dance practice.

Sure, the singing lessons are pretty tough, but that's pretty much the only thing he's really concerning himself with now.

He loves dancing, it's never considered work or a chore; dancing to Jongin comes as naturally as the need to breathe or eat or sleep.

Besides that, you're essentially on your own and free to do whatever you will with your free time. Some people stay in the multiple practice rooms for longer than they have to, and some retire right after they've finished what they have to do, satisfied with the minimum effort they put forth.

Jongin always wonders what those types of people are doing here, wasting their time on something they're not passionate about. it boggled, and still boggles his mind how people can be so lazy and ungrateful for such an opportunity.

After a week of the same, repetitive schedule he follows and adds on to, he's found that he doesn't care about those people anymore. It's too much energy wasted on someone who's not him.

Seems selfish, but he doesn't have anyone close to him to tell him that. He doesn't exactly have many friends here to care about, anyway.

Maybe except for Taemin.

He met him one late night while staying in to practice a dance routine he created himself.

"Hey," he greets, facing Jongin, "Your routine is pretty good."

"Thanks." Jongin replies, not knowing what else to say at the moment.

"I'm Taemin."

"Jongin." 

"You should be sleeping." He whispers to Jongin quietly, pointing at his eyes threatening to close on him at any moment.

"So should you," he replies simply.

Taemin laughs, the sound echoing throughout the empty practice room.

The silence was long and a bit awkward before he asked Jongin, "Wanna be friends?"

"Sure." Jongin tried a bit too hard to sound nonchalant about it.

But he's actually really happy about it.

A 14 year old shouldn't have to be excited to make just one friend, but this is the life that calls for it.

He finally had a friend.

Has a friend.

But Taemin's already gotten word that he'll debuting in S.M's next boy group. Jongin couldn't recall the name, especially with Taemin bawling, his eyes puffy beyond belief, and babbling nonsense for an hour straight before getting himself together.

Was it Shining? Shine? Shiny?

Something along those lines. He knows that they're set to debut as a five member group in 2008.

A few months from now and his dear friend Taemin would be making his mark in South Korea. Good for him.

Jongin's happy for him, even though he can't help but worry about his own future, and even the present. Even be a little jealous.

But he reminds himself it's stupid, Taemin's been working longer and harder here than Jongin has. He realizes that he has to work hard, a daunting task he doesn't think he can handle alone, and now he's losing his first friend here.

He tries to be positive, though.

Tries.

Even if he's losing a friend physically, They still have their bond holding them together anyway. Jongin stays with Taemin, and they both lose count of the days.

They spend them the same as they always have, with smiles on their faces as they both stay long after all the other trainees to brush up on their techniques, with laughter flowing between them the afternoons they pick up lunch across the street to bring back to their bunks, and with snores galore as they fall asleep on the same bunk, to-go boxes still littering the shared bed.

Everything seems good. Everything is good.

Then, the inevitable happens.

He cries with Taemin on his last day when he says:

"I've finally made it."

Yes. Yes, he has.

Jongin embraces Taemin; it's their last embrace together as trainees who worked their hardest together.

Jongin wonders when they'll have their first embrace together as somebodies.


	3. the way the world works

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reference: 
> 
> year: 2008
> 
> jongin: 15

Not much happens with Jongin after Taemin's departure for better things.

His debut was met with positive comments and loads of interest in the new, young faces. They've even started a few fashion trends it seems. Good for them. Good for Taemin. Jongin sees their new MV being played constantly wherever he goes, the tune always heard in every corner of the city.

Shinee.

That's the name.

Jongin sticks to the same schedule he's held for about a year now, or so he thinks. The time is hard to keep when you're here. It's repetitive and boring without someone to change the tide of things, but he's not going to stop now.

He wants to debut _so_ badly, and he wants the higher-ups to see that, to _feel_ his passion and want.

He trains harder than ever, still spends most of his time at night honing his routines and techniques.

He's always missed the chiming laughter that would accompany him in the large room. Now, it was just the music he had, his breathing, and his footsteps to keep him company.

Occasionally, he'd see a few trainees linger for more than 3 hours of dancing. They'd usually all be gone by 4.

Jongin was always on his own after that. He didn't mind it. Sure, it's a bit lonely, but he's focused. That's always more important.

For the past week, however, he's been seeing the same kid practice for long periods of time, just as much as himself. He figures he must be a new trainee. He's never seen him around the halls or showers.

They both practice on far ends of the room, as if they were claimed, not minding each other.

The large room is quiet, save for the different songs softly playing in each corner. The sounds clash together at some points and mesh well at others. It kind of throws Jongin off, but he predicts by next week he won't be staying here as long as he is now, so he doesn't mind it too much at the moment.

He doesn't make any comments directed at him. Jongin can hold up until he gives up and leaves.

That was the usual trend with new trainees anyway.

They come here with "higher and better than you" attitudes, but end up leaving with their egos deflated beyond recovery at the wasted time and wake-up call that was crushing, agonizing failure.

"Serves them right." Is what Jongin always says as they walk out the doors for the last time.

Hate is a strong word.

Jongin hates those people.

They always made him think that being humble was beginning to become an extinct notion in today's society. Funny how sometimes those are the people who get chosen from the crowd even with the minimal effort they put out.

He hates them just as much, if not more for the luck and opportunity that has been blessed upon them. Hates the way the entertainment business was prone to giving the lazy, uncaring people a shot at being a somebody. Hates that they only took up singing or dancing on a whim, their hark work and passion nonexistent. Jongin will always hate those people.

Jongin asked his mom why that was before he left for a new life.

She just stoked his hair and looked right into his eyes. "It's the way the world works, Jongin," she said. "That is why you cannot never forget where you come from. Never stop working hard. Be humble, but stubborn to let others take your opportunities. Always reach for your dreams, Jongin. Otherwise, someone else will."

He still takes those words to heart. Sometimes he feels that his efforts are all for naught, but he still works all night at it. while everyone is sleeping, he's working. He can't focus on others. Can't focus on the other boy in the room with him, working just as hard, withstanding just as much.  

If he spends too long focusing on others, he'll neglect his own desires and needs.

He'll have wasted his time and effort while other people get chosen as his guard is down. He'll let his dreams slip away from him. Jongin shrugs it off quickly, he's not going to let everything he's worked for so far be given up that easily. Not while he's still got a fight he can put up.

He resumes letting the music take him over and control his movements. The longer he dwells on truths such as this, the more likely he'd fall into that predicament. He can't waste any time working towards his goal.

He fails to notice the observant stare being directed at him as he moves along to the beat.


	4. the bags in your eyes, the bags at your feet

Seems he was right about the strange trainee.

Jongin didn't see him come in for late night training after about a week. Gone and disappeared from the face of the earth just like that. 

Well, maybe not gone from the world, but still.

As much as he hated to be right on the dot with his prediction, he's glad competition is still somewhat low and his chances are still somewhat decent. So, he continues his schedule and doesn't think about too much for the next 6 hours. He settles into his pattern easily, repeating the same steps, and performing the same routines.

It's probably a little after 2 in the morning once Jongin decides it's time to wrap it up and finish for the night. He collects his water bottle and speaker, towel draped over his sweat-drenched head, humming the tune of Shinee's new song. Despite not knowing the name, it was quite catchy.

He feels dead, and he's pretty sure he looks the part too, not bothering to check himself in any of the mirrors that surround him.

Sleep is more important at the moment, so he leaves the room in a rush. He must be really tired, he thinks, seeing as how he bumps into..

A person?

Lo and behold, it's the same trainee he practiced with about 2 weeks ago. Jongin's a bit surprised, considering he thought the boy was gone for good the past few days because Jongin hasn't seen him around until now.

They offer each other smiles of their own, one with a stand-out dimple and the other with all of his teeth on display, an instinctual reaction.

Jongin notices he's dragging something behind him, the sound almost grating even on the polished wood floor below their feet. Jongin tries figuring out just what the hell this guy is lugging with him, acting like he's here as a tourist with all of his baggage. It's too dark to make out in the weak light at first, so he squints slightly.

They look a lot like sandbags.

What use would a dancer have for sandbags?

Curiosity level too high to hold at bay, Jongin follows the other back into the practice room and asks, "What are those for?"

The dimpled boy is a bit startled by the sudden question, Jongin feels bad for not giving him a warning beforehand. "What?" he asks in confusion, an odd accent laces the one word he puts out.

Jongin realizes that he might be a foreign trainee.

"The sandbags," he repeats, pointing at the multitude of bags that lay at his feet.

He seems to be thinking of an answer, dazed and blank expression overtaking his features. Jongin suddenly feels kind of bad that he can't ask him in any other language. It's not like he knew another one besides Korean anyways. He never bothered to take up the lessons S.M offered because he didn't think the added debt was worth learning material that he'd most likely forget after in a month's time.

"To dance with," he replies after a long, awkward pause.

Strange.

He still didn't see what sandbags would have to do with dancing, but he relents. It's none of his business anyway.

He's here for himself and that's his biggest concern.

"Oh, okay. I'll see you next time, maybe." He turns on his heel to face the doorway. Despite him needing to put himself first, he's not going to be an asshole either. Might as well be polite to the guy he's sharing the room with and spare himself the grief and potential fights.

Because if push comes to shove, Jongin would definitely be the one getting that shove. And he's well aware of that.

"Bye," he replies with a slight wave, sandbags still surrounding his feet. Huh.

Jongin is interested in him. He hasn't been interested in anything besides dancing for a while.

This was a nice breath of fresh air. Maybe the two could teach each other techniques, maybe even become friends. Jongin wouldn't mind it, considering how kind, hardworking, and genuine he seemed to be. After all, a guy who dedicates that much time to his craft is a winner in Jongin's book. He also wouldn't mind making friends with him because, well, he was lonely as shit.

Despite getting accustomed to it, he still hates loneliness. Hates that all the things he wants to say are only heard by the air surrounding him. Only heard by his own mind.

Loneliness was a disease in humans; humans were a social species.

Jongin didn't know if that really was the case (he didn't listen much in school), but he always repeated the scientific-sounding fact.

It seems just about right anyways.

Because sometimes, even he himself found it a bit pathetic at just how lonely he felt, and doing nothing to help himself.

He still keeps to himself, rarely exchanging words with other trainees. Not because he finds them air-headed and annoying (there were some trainees who had hearts of gold and pure intentions), but because he struggles to reach out and talk to people.

It's almost like a chore.

That and he's sort of scared that he might lose them like he did Taemin. 

Yeah, he was lonely as shit, but at least when you have no people you're close with, there is no possibility of losing someone close to you.

He's been through the motions for a year now, what more is any other amount of years to him?

He's too deep in his thoughts to realize that he abandoned his towel on the practice room floor after it fell off his head.


	5. friendships start with folded towels

The next night is odd. 

Jongin doesn't know whether or not he means odd as in extremely strange or slightly out of the ordinary. It's just that.

Odd.

As Jongin is walking into the practice room, he feels a light tap on his right shoulder. He quickly turns around with a little yelp—startled by the sudden contact—to see who disturbed him so abruptly.

Ah, it's the mystery trainee.

"Hey." Jongin says, figuring if he's going to share the practice room with the guy nightly, he might as well be on good terms with him.

"Hi," he greets shyly and he pauses for a second, thinking about what to say next. "Sorry for scaring you. I brought something for you."

Jongin was confused.

Partly because of the other trainee's heavily-accented Korean he had some trouble deciphering, and partly because he didn't know why he would even bring him anything. It's not like they were friends, or even good enough acquaintances to warrant gift-giving.

Maybe it was a cultural thing where he was from? Maybe he was just being nice? 

Jongin found himself waiting for the reveal in anxiety. He just gets it over with anyways.

"For me?" He points at himself rather dumbly.

The other nods, a neatly folded cloth on top of his hands as he presents it to Jongin. 

Oh.

His towel from yesterday. So that's where he left it.

He really needs to stop practicing so late because his sleep schedule is all rearranged and irregular. He feels his sense of reality is next to be ravaged on the list.

But it's so hard to not come in so late, especially when the only other person in the room a couple meters away from him is so...odd? Interesting? Hell, Jongin hasn't even seen the guy dance yet, and that's what he's been wanting to see. Someone this dedicated to dance has got to be good at it.

He realizes the other has been standing there for a while, still awkwardly holding out Jongin's towel.

Oops.

Jongin reaches out to grab the neatly folded towel cautiously, so as to not ruin the nice folding the other no doubt spent time perfecting.

He's kind of (very) touched by the thought. "Thank you. I was wondering where this was." He offers a genuine smile at the other.

"I'm Jongin, by the way," he says, as an afterthought (not really).

"My name is Yixing." After greeting Jongin, he lets out a loud yawn. "Sorry. I come here in the morning too. I'm really tired."

Without thinking about it, Jongin replies with, "You should be asleep, then." It seems so natural to just say it.

A concerned look is thrown his way, "So should you." Yixing says simply.

Jongin laughs. He doesn't know what prompts him to say, "Wanna be friends?" the way he does, but it spills out of his mouth anyway.

He doesn't regret it.

Yixing is all smiles and giggles when he says, "Yeah." 

Jongin smiles even wider. He recalls the vague happiness he felt when he met Taemin. Maybe that's why it all seems so familiar to him, why he's so willing to let another person into his life.

After all, 15 year old can only take so much loneliness, right? Yeah, that's his reasoning.

He's content in standing across from Yixing, his black hair reflecting even in the faint light above them and dimple on display.

Jongin feels warm.

Yixing's smile makes him feel warm.


	6. time goes on

As of two days, Yixing and Jongin have been inseparable since their declarations of friendship.

Jongin hasn't felt this happy in a long time.

Hasn't smiled for anything besides awkward social situations in a long time. Hasn't laughed or smiled genuinely in a long time.

The sense of time that Jongin had lost along with Taemin was finally returning to him.

Even though he still sleeps less hours than his previous schedule, he's fine. At least his time is spent in the company of someone else now.

He's sure his dancing will still remain honed if he misses just a few days of practice, even without the tutelage of Yixing (whom of which he still hasn't seen in action yet). He doesn't know why he feels so confident in himself all of a sudden.

Even so, despite his newfound confidence, he's still hoping for tips on his work. Hoping for any reason to talk to Yixing, really.

Lately, his time in the practice room starts off with productive intentions, but he gets side-tracked before he can even start.

Side-tracked by Yixing.

Jongin is more than fine with that.

Yixing surprises Jongin by being the more inquisitive, talkative individual out of the two. Both boys end up talking about their dreams and aspirations. Sometimes, Yixing talks about where he's from. Other times, Jongin talks about life where he's from.

Yixing is fascinated with South Korea. Jongin is fascinated with China.

Jongin is fascinated with Yixing.

He's not too sure if Yixing is fascinated with him.

Jongin finds out he's 3 years younger than Yixing. Yixing finds out about Jongin's ballet background and how he got into dancing.

They talk about anything and everything, not minding anything surrounding them, as if it's just Jongin and Yixing who make up the world population.

None of them can be mad at the time spent talking to each other.

The wasted time never came across Jongin's mind because to him, it was time well-spent.

They simply embrace the sun's rising and the light it sheds in the large room.

Yixing notices Jongin's drooping eyes, and quickly shoos him away to go get much-needed sleep.

Jongin can't fight Yixing even if he wanted to. So, he obeys.

Jongin cries silently once he makes it back to his shared room.

Not tears of sadness, but of happiness.

He's finally not alone.

They're always out together, Yixing always asking if Jongin can accompany him to a variety of places.

Not that Jongin needs a destination to say yes, all Yixing needs to do is say the word and he's there, his answer always remaining the same.

He likes the idea of being Yixing's tour guide, he likes the looks of interest Yixing has when he's focusing on the words that flow out of Jongin's mouth. He likes the looks of wonder when Jongin takes him out for lunch to try something new. He even likes the looks of uncertainty as Jongin pulls out a questionable-looking jacket from the rack of a clothing store.

He's beginning to think he just likes Yixing.

Maybe.

He doesn't know.

The fond feelings he felt for Yixing were much more different than the feelings he had for Taemin.

He never saw Taemin as anything more than an amazing friend, a shoulder to cry on, and a partner to dance away the night with.

Yes, he liked Taemin very much. Still does, in fact. He always will.

But what he feels for Yixing is foreign to him.

He fumbles a lot around Yixing. Always yearns to get his praise when he shows off routines he's learned over the years. Always longs to make Yixing smile, make him laugh.

God, he sounds so much like a hopelessly love-struck teen. Like he's straight from the cliche, cheesy love songs he hears all the boy groups sing on the radio.

He finds that he doesn't mind it at all. And that's what's alarming.

He's scared, confused, but he's also the happiest he's been in a long time.

Jongin always finds it ironic how he stresses over Yixing so much as of late, but whenever Yixing's around, the stress dissipates into nothing but warmth and giggles.

It's driving Jongin mad.

But, he's surprisingly wise about containing his impulsive thoughts.

Because he's content enough with his friendship now.

Or, maybe because he has too much at stake to be thinking about his feelings. 


	7. the gaps we close

Jongin's first kiss happens when he's 17.

It's been 2 years since he and Yixing met.

Just like the few days following their friendship, they still remain inseparable. Still going out at the same times, to the same places, and practicing until the sun rises. 

Just like the days following their friendship, Jongin's still the happiest he's been in the 3 years he's spent as a trainee.

At the moment, the two just finished a routine they made up together. Jongin pitched the idea to Yixing, who readily agreed to it.

Jongin, even after multiple hours practicing, is having trouble keeping his eyes off of Yixing's movements. Yixing has vastly improved since Jongin has first seen him in action, and still manages to always get Jongin's attention. The massive improvement does have Jongin kind of worried, though.

Before, their speed and fluidity was about even, the only difference being the individual flair they each added to certain moves.

Now, Jongin just feels inferior to him.

He's way out of his league.

Even though they both practice together at night, it always seems like Yixing is a step ahead of him, their skill gap growing evermore as the days pass. Perhaps Yixing was just naturally better than him in that aspect.

Like the year of training that Jongin had on him meant nothing at all. Like his work the past 3 years was meaningless and unnecessary.

Jongin, who is currently drenched in sweat, groans at this thought.

Maybe hard work and determination weren't the only ingredients in the success formula. Maybe you really were just born with the skills, like the airheads who still parade in here always say.

So. His best _wasn't_ good enough. Go figure.

He's on the verge of breaking down completely when Yixing offers him a towel, sensing his distress. Jongin brings the towel to his face to wipe away the sweat from his forehead and to (hopefully) wipe his worry away along with it, but he stops when he looks at the pattern of it.

It's the same towel he had laid across his palms the day they decided to be friends.

This only serves to make the tears even harder to hold back. He realizes that he's failing his family, the company, himself, and Yixing by not improving fast enough.

He doesn't think he can take it any longer, and without any control over his emotions, he sobs.

Yixing, who is startled by the sudden outburst, is quick to catch Jongin before he falls onto the floor.

"What's wrong, Jongin!? Talk to me, Jongin," he says worriedly, cradling Jongin's upper body in his arms.

Jongin feels safe in Yixing's arms. It's a sensation he thinks he's going to chase for a long time. The arms encasing him are a home away from home. He grips onto them tightly, still trembling from his cries.

It's hard to speak while crying, but he tries to do so anyway. "I-I" A sniffle. "I'm-'m not-" A finger is pressed against his lips.

"Don't force yourself to speak if you're not ready. I'll wait, Jongin. I'll wait."

Jongin cries even louder at Yixing's patience, babbling more unintelligible words to Yixing's chest.

It feels like forever before he's able to speak. "'m not good enough," he mumbles through the sniffles. "Never been."

Yixing's head is leaning on Jongin's. Jongin doesn't want Yixing to move.

He doesn't.

"Not good enough for what, Jongin?" he asks into Jongin's hair.

For achieving my dreams. For myself. For my family.

For you.

"Not good enough for anything. I always said-" he stops before he can begin to sob even more.

With a heavy heart and wobbly lips he goes on. No point in making a big fuss about an issue he's having only to just push it to the side.

"I always said that hard work and determination would get me a career. Would let people know I'm worth of debuting. I've been working hard for so long, but I feel so inadequate," he says, looking right at Yixing before falling back into his arms and continuing.

"Whenever I see you dance, you're so much better than I am, even though I've been a trainee longer and our abilities were nearly the same when we started out."

Yixing is still rocking Jongin back and forth, his head still on top of Jongin's. He stays quiet to let Jongin continue if need be.

So, he does.

"I'm just so upset because I feel like everyone is passing me in skill. And I just think back to all the times I despised the people who came here thinking some people simply had the natural talent, and that you didn't need to work hard here. Or the people who think that using money to get more lessons is fair. I hated hearing that. I hated people who don't work on the same playing field as everyone else. I hated it so much. I still hate it. And yet, they were right. I-" he stops when he is turned to face Yixing.

His face, even with the muted light shining on the both of them, is clouded with an emotion that Jongin can't exactly pinpoint.

He looks guilty, like he wants to say something he can't. Jongin doesn't know why he'd feel guilty, so he just chalks it up to the bad lighting.

"Jongin." He swallows, unsure of his words.

He continues, lightly stoking Jongin's hair. "You are enough. You are worthy of debuting, worthy of a career, worthy of so much. Your hard work will not go unnoticed, I promise you. You're Jongin. Once you have your mind set on something, you go through with it at full speed. I admire that about you, Jongin. You really are something else. Don't allow your dancing skills or possibility of debuting determine your worth. Don't let anything trivial like that determine your worth," je says.

The dim light is probably betraying Jongin yet again, it makes Yixing look like he wants to say something more.

Like he needs to get something off of his chest. But he doesn't say anything more.

Jongin feels like he's going to cry again. He doesn't believe those things, but because it's Yixing who says them, he believes in them.

Just a little bit.

"Thank you, Yixing," he whispers, as Yixing is wiping his cheeks of the tears.

He and Yixing look into each other's eyes for what seems like forever.

Jongin doesn't think he can ever tire of it. Doesn't think he can ever tire of Yixing.

I love you. "I like you." Yixing smiles at Jongin.

Jongin loves his smile.

"I like you too, Jongin," he whispers back.

Jongin knows he's risking a lot by saying this. But he takes the risk anyway. For Yixing.

"I mean-" 

"I know." Yixing murmurs.

Oh.

"Can I kiss you, Jongin?" Jongin has always hated how much of a romantic and a gentleman Yixing was (that's a lie).

It's his first kiss and he's nervous.

But it's with Yixing, so it's fine.

He finally replies. A simple "Yes." and nod of the head and their lips meet together for the first time.

Jongin is inexperienced and sloppy whereas Yixing is soft, gentle, and a bit unsure. Their lips slot together so naturally that Jongin thinks they were made to press together like this. That he and Yixing were made for each other.

Cue sappy, teenage thoughts.

If only Jongin could groan at the notion in this moment.

Usually, Jongin would be looking on in disgust at others who show this, but he supposes an exception is in order when he thinks these types of things.

Their kisses are sweet and chaste. Everything is perfect and Jongin can't get enough.

Yixing seems to have taken a liking to kissing Jongin's neck. Jongin has to hold in the laugh bubbling up in his chest because of Yixing's feathery touches.

When Yixing's lips find their way back to Jongin's, he deepens their kisses, asking for permission with a prodding tongue and nibble on his lower lip.

Jongin is more than willing to let Yixing ravage his mouth, and allows their tongues to mingle with each other; a dance of their own.

He moans softly against Yixing as their tongues continue to meld together.

His hands find themselves tangled in Yixing's soft hair. He grabs onto it like a lifeline.

Yixing replicates the movement around Jongin's shoulders. And Jongin doesn't want him to let go.

Yixing tastes sweet. Tastes like Yixing.

Jongin loves it. Savors it.

The room is still quiet, save for Yixing and Jongin's soft moans, and still dimly lit. 

The room where Jongin has his first kiss.

His neck is aching from the position he's been holding while kissing Yixing. His left leg has gone numb, the slightest movements making the pins-and-needles sensation stand out even more. His eyes are puffy and watery.

He has saliva dribbling down his chin. If it's his or Yixing's, he doesn't know. He doesn't care at the moment, not with Yixing holding him this close.

It's all perfect.

They remain there until the sun rises.

Jongin feels loved and secure in Yixing's arms.

He feels like he might be enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ref:
> 
> year: 2010
> 
> jongin: 17
> 
> yixing: 20


	8. no confirmation needed

With the progression of their relationship, Jongin finds himself recovering from his breakdown and self-doubt nicely. Slowly, but he's getting there.

Yixing never fails to give him reassurance. Never fails to reach his arms out to catch Jongin when he falls. Never fails to make Jongin want to cry because of his sweetness and his devotion.

Jongin trusts him with everything. Would trust him with anything.

Love is a strong word, indeed.

Jongin loves Yixing.

Ever since Jongin expressed his feelings towards Yixing and his much faster improvement in terms of his dancing, he has been making sure to slow down and help Jongin when they practice routines together.

Jongin feels bad that Yixing has to halt his own progression just to get him up to speed. Jongin can't figure out for the life of him why he's so slow compared to Yixing. It's annoying. It's upsetting. And as much as he hates it, well, it's reality.

Hm. Well, at least on the brighter side of things, they're both living in the same dorm now.

Yixing told Jongin the news one night after practice, and Jongin was speechless.

A kiss was all he needed to express his gratitude and excitement. A kiss that then turned into kisses.

Yixing told Jongin that the staff was okay with it. They were especially understanding because one of the other trainees he bunked with was notorious for sleep talking and being a general disturbance to his previous roommates. The request was accepted, no questions asked towards the specifics he included.

But as they get closer, sometimes Jongin can't help but think about what would become of them in the future. They both wanted to debut, that much was obvious given their current trainee status. But would the debut they wanted so badly prove to break them apart?

Jongin thought about it.

The next boy group should be formed a year or two from now.

What would be the odds that both he (a very "what if" scenario if it includes him) and Yixing would be in the same group?

And if he's stuck being a trainee for anymore after that, he doesn't know how he'll cope with the world then. With the self-doubt at an all-time high and with a multitude of years in his limited youth wasted away.

Of course, he'd be happy for Yixing if he made it. He's never wished for anything but the best for Yixing, his hard work and experience are second to none in Jongin's eyes. (Boyfriend or not; Jongin acknowledges that Yixing works like there's no tomorrow.)

He can brace for the worst outcome all he can for now, but he's sure in the future he'll forget the preparation and spiral down a path he has a difficult time thinking about now.

As if sensing his distress (He's always been so well at detecting that.), Yixing asks, "Are you okay, Jongin? Is sharing the same room too much? Maybe I should've asked permission before doing it so suddenly."

"No!" he shouts instantly, making Yixing flinch at the sudden outburst. "Sorry," he mumbles, taking Yixing's hand in his own as a form of silent apology. "But no, it is definitely not too much. I'm very happy about it. About being able to be with you." Jongin takes a moment to pause, thinking about how sappy he's gotten since being with Yixing.

He doesn't know if it's a curse or a blessing that Yixing is able to make him think like this.

He's never really minded it too much.

Yixing doesn't say anything more. Jongin figures he owes Yixing some sort of reason, even if it's an extremely vague one.

"I'm just thinking about stuff," he absently runs his thumb across the top of Yixing's hand.

Yixing hums. "Stuff you want to talk about?"

Yes. "Nah. It's not that important."

"Okay," he says.

They just stand in the middle of the practice room hand in hand, no more words exchanged between the two of them. Yixing never asked Jongin for confirmation or elaboration on anything, he always took Jongin's word for it.

Sometimes, Jongin wished that he wouldn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woop smut chapter's coming up and im dyign
> 
> on another note, i'd like to say that i rly like this writing style... maybe i'll try my hand at it again in the future.


	9. just us

Jongin is 18 when he loses his virginity.

It's a normal day for the two of them.

Their afternoons were either spent out in the city or indoors lazing around, just enjoying whatever they decide to do together. Their nights were spent together as well, routines (sometimes turned kissing-fests) were perfected until the sun rose.

The more he thinks about it, the more Jongin realizes that he can't recall a morning he and Yixing have spent together. Not that Jongin is a clingy mess when it comes to Yixing (Maybe just slightly), but it's just strange that he doesn't know how his own boyfriends spends his mornings. Strange that he doesn't spend them with Jongin.

Hm.

That doesn't matter right now, though.

Not with Yixing's lips pressed against his, hands roaming all over Jongin's body.

They've never passed kissing territory until now. 

Jongin should be nervous, should tell him to stop.

But he doesn't.

Jongin bites back a moan. They're alone in their shared room, but the walls were thin, and at this rate, the whole building was going to hear him.

Yixing's sucking a bruise onto his neck, and Jongin is sure that it'll be visible for the next few days.

The sensation makes him feel like he's dreaming. A dream that's all too real. A lucid dream.

It's driving him mad.

He unlatches from Jongin's neck with a quick, sweet peck to the reddened skin. Such a romantic he is.

Jongin finds himself wanting more than just a bruise on his neck. He wants so much more. Even despite his nerves telling him otherwise.

His voice is breathy, he feels hot. "Yixing, I-" god it's so hard to speak properly when yixing looks at him like _that._ His eyes glazed over and dark, waiting for Jongin to continue. "Can we-"

"Keep going?" Yixing finishes for him.

"God. _Y_ _es,_ " he breathes out.

Yixing doesn't ask for confirmation, he already knows that Jongin is not going to go back on his word. Jongin is glad he doesn't, even if the anxiety is bubbling up in his chest. He wants everything to be perfect.

It's the least he can do for Yixing.

Their lips meld together yet again, tongues meeting, mapping each other out. It all has Jongin melting into Yixing, unable to stop the whimpers that spill from his mouth to Yixing's. He almost doesn't notice Yixing's deft hands as they hike his shirt up to reveal his stomach. Like he's asking permission to take it off of him.

So, he lets it be taken off.

Not wanting to be the odd man out, he settles for doing the same to his boyfriend. He reaches over to take Yixing's shirt off, his shirt's never leave much to the imagination, always tight on his frame. Jongin has always wanted to reveal what was being covered.

He rolls it over his neck.

And it gets stuck on his head.

Jongin bursts out laughing at how his boyfriend's face has suddenly disappeared, cocooned in purple cloth. Even Yixing himself can't contain his laughter at the situation.

The moment puts Jongin much more at ease. It's just as it has always been.

Just Zhang Yixing and Kim Jongin. Just them.

Just us.

"I must look ridiculous right now." Yixing mumbles through the layer of clothing. Jongin laughs even more at his remark.

It takes Jongin a minute to calm down before finding a way to get the shirt off Yixing. After fiddling with the garment, he finally manages to slide if off of his head. They spend what seems like a lifetime to Jongin just gazing at each other, basking in each other's presence.

Jongin thinks he falls just a little bit more in love with him.

"Hi." Yixing says.

Jongin giggles. "Hi," he replies.

Yixing makes the first move.

His lips flutter all over Jongin's bare chest, and Jongin giggles a bit at the sensation.

He's surprised it doesn't ruin the moment.

Yixing just looks at him like he's the most important thing in the world, fond smile and eyes slightly crinkled.

He stops giggling when Yixing's lips latch onto a nipple, his hand moving to squeeze and pinch at the other. Jongin shudders, still not willing to let sounds escape his mouth.

Yixing stops his ministrations abruptly, much to Jongin's disappointment. He lets out a small whine, almost inaudible.

"Let me hear you, Jongin. Please," he whispers, pressing chaste kisses to the shell of his ear.

"Don't want anyone to hear me." Yixing cups his cheek. Jongin melts into the touch.

"There's no one else in the world to hear but us. Just me and you, Jongin. Always."

Always.

Jongin feels like crying.

He doesn't.

"Okay, Yixing. Okay." He exhales and tries to calm himself.

Okay.

Yixing kisses Jongin yet again.

It's sweet and slow and everything Jongin wants. He almost doesn't notice Yixing's hands at his jeans, fumbling with the buttons and zipper. Jongin helps him, lifting off the bed to slide them off, not breaking their kiss.

He hisses at the contact. He's so achingly hard right now.

Because of Yixing.

For Yixing.

Jongin doesn't think he can fall anymore for him any more than he already has.

He feels Yixing tugging at the waistband.

He breaks the kiss. "You're so beautiful, Jongin." He pecks his lips one last time before taking his briefs off.

Jongin shudders as the cold air hits him, now fully exposed.

Yixing ducks down to kiss the inside of his toned thighs. Kisses soon turn to nips at the skin and Jongin quivers, wanting more. "Y-Yixing. Xing, please," he pleads.

"So, so beautiful." He hears. 

Yixing directs his attention to Jongin's dick, achingly hard, bead of precome at the tip.

"I've never done this before." The breath he lets out against him makes Jongin groan.

"Me either," he murmurs.

They both laugh.

One like a desperate gasp for air and loud, the other chiming through the air and soft. It cuts through the tense, nerve-racking atmosphere.

It feels natural. Normal.

Yixing kisses at the tip lightly, idly stoking the base, and still staring at Jongin. He feels like he's lost his sense of time again under Yixing's gaze.

It seems like forever before Yixing begins to take Jongin into his mouth.

The moan Jongin lets out reverberates along the walls, the slick heat around him was almost too much to bear, but Jongin's dick thought otherwise, apparently. He was desperately trying to stop himself from bucking into Yixing's mouth.

Almost as if he read his mind, Yixing places a hand against Jongin's stuttering hip, pinning him down with little force. 

It's all sloppy and messy; an obvious first time. Jongin doesn't think this moment needs any change. It's all perfect.

He keeps the same pace, repeating movements that draw moans from Jongin. Yixing doesn't take much of him in.

Jongin doesn't need him to.

His toes curl and he feels euphoric. He's not going to last much longer.

And with that thought, Yixing lets off of Jongin with an obscene pop, his lips swollen and wet. Jongin lets out a whine as Yixing stands abruptly, making his way to his nightstand.

Jongin is tempted to just finish himself at this point, he feels like he's going to spontaneously combust.

" _Xing,_ " he calls out desperately.

Much to Jongin's relief, Yixing is quick to return.

Jongin notices he has a wrapper and bottle in his hand.

Oh.

He's not even going to ask why in the world Yixing has them on the ready.

He leans over Jongin, kissing him on the lips. "Sorry. I don't wanna hurt you," he pauses to look at Jongin thoughtfully. "I don't know much, but I did know that if we made it to this point, that I wouldn't want to hurt you."

Great.

The sap has appeared once more, and Jongin really does not feel like crying while he's aroused and breathless. It's like asking to be suffocated.

Yixing is back between his thighs in record time. Jongin is starting to think Yixing has a thing for his thighs, kissing them whenever he has the chance.

Jongin doesn't mind it one bit. Doesn't mind if it's Yixing.

"May I?" he asks. Such a gentleman.

Yes. Always. "Will you hurry up?" he demands.

He's still nervous and riddled with anxiety, but his arousal is speaking for him, prolonged and without an ounce of patience left to spare.

He feels a slick finger trace his entrance teasingly a couple of times before entering the tight muscle.

"Does it hurt?" Yixing asks.

Jongin thinks for a moment. "It burns a little bit, but it's not all that bad. I think." he says honestly. 

"Let me know if it hurts, Jongin." Yixing chides, adding another finger.

Jongin hums in response. The feeling is slightly better now, the burn gone, and feeling transitioning into something nice.

Maybe it would feel a bit better if Yixing weren't wriggling his fingers so much.

"H-hey, what's with your fingers?" Jongin pants.

Yixing looks up at Jongin, as if to say, "You'll see."

Hm.

When Yixing's fingers meet with a certain spot, Jongin is unable to control the moan that slips past his lips.

Yixing is smirking at him, adding another finger, stretching Jongin further. He's a panting mess, so he doesn't bother remarking on his shit-eating grin.

Jongin feels the familiar heat pooling in abdomen.

He whines when Yixing takes his fingers out. he's sensing a pattern here.

Damn Yixing and his shitty timing.

He looks over to see Yixing trying sliding his pants off, fumbling with the buttons and zipper.

Jongin scoots next to him. "Let me." he whispers, falling to his knees.

He rolls off his briefs and throws them off to the side.

Wasting no time at all, he takes the wrapper from Yixing and rips it open.

Before rolling on the condom onto his dick, he kisses the head and laps at the bit of precome there, hearing a moan in response above him. 

Jongin rises from the floor and kisses Yixing. He can feel Yixing's hands on his shoulders as he's pushed onto the bed below him. Can feel them as they position his legs to where they're folded in the air, Yixing settled in between them.

Jongin's always loved Yixing's hands.

He's always loved Yixing.

Yixing reaches over Jongin to kiss him, nibbling on his lower lip. Jongin lets out a groan and bites down on Yixing's lip as he feels his entrance being stretched out by him.

He can taste some of Yixing's blood on his tongue as he sucks on his bit lip.

It's almost too much. He whimpers.

Yixing doesn't move for a while as he waits for jongin to get accustomed to him. He distracts Jongin by kissing him on the lips, his collarbone, his cheeks, just anywhere that will take Jongin's attention away from any possible pain.

Jongin is overwhelmed with emotion at his actions once again.

They stay in the same position for a while. With Yixing being ever so patient with him as he tries to get accustomed to the sensation. 

"Keep going, Xing." He pants softly.

As Yixing pushes forward bit by bit, Jongin doesn't feel as much of a burn now. It feels good. Greater than good.

He doesn't even realize that Yixing has completely bottomed out, too focused his arousal peaking once more.

He cries out when Yixing pulls out a bit to slam back in.

His rhythm gets faster, his sharp thrusts begin to have more force behind them. "Xing!" He keens when Yixing hits that neglected spot once again.

"God. Faster, please. 's so good." Jongin mewls, wrapping his once bent legs around Yixing's waist.

Yixing complies, the grip he has on Jongin's hips is much harder now, sure to leave a bruise for at least the following 3 days. Jongin doesn't really care, not with Yixing ramming into the same spot over and over, making him see stars.

His thrusts become more sporadic, his breathing more ragged. Jongin doesn't think he can hold out any longer with Yixing's pace.

"Xing. Xing. 'm gonna come." he choked.

Yixing leans forward to press their foreheads together, the rough, fast pace he's set never faltering. 

And Jongin comes, tears pooling in his eyes.

The emotions he feels right now are overwhelming.

He can't moan, can't scream in pleasure, so he settles for murmuring nonsense as Yixing fucks him through his stupor.

It isn't long before Yixing is breathless himself, a whisper of a warning that Jongin can't make out before he comes. 

Yixing nearly collapses on top of Jongin. They're both spent and covered in a sheen of sweat that makes their bodies gleam in the light above them. 

One more sweet kiss before Yixing pulls out of Jongin. He gets up to toss the condom in the nearby bin, fully aware of Jongin's eyes on him. Jongin can't help but stare at him all in his glory. He doesn't think it's possible to ignore someone like Yixing.

Yixing comes back and sits on the edge of the bed, the springs creaking as they accommodate the added weight. His back is still covered in sweat, and Jongin is in awe at the sight in from of him.

Yixing never fails to provoke such a reaction.

He turns around with a dimpled smile on his face and scoots over to Jongin. Jongin welcomes him with open arms. He can't remember a time where he didn't do just that.

They embrace each other, bodies pressed together in a bed that was made for just one person. They make it work.

They always have.

Jongin nuzzles Yixing's collarbone. He smells like sweat, sex, and Yixing.

Jongin adores it.

He's so tired and sleepy that he nearly misses the "I love you." Yixing whispers above him.

Jongin wants to cry.

He does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woop it's my first smut and idk how to feel about it...but hey safe sex is always appreciated right? woohoo
> 
> jongin is 17 and yixing is 20 in int. age. this is underage. i am aware age of consent in sk is technically 13, but i will list it as such since in the u.s the highest age of consent is 18. which jongin is not. he is legally a minor where i'm from.


	10. grasp me tighter

The following week has been unreal.

What leads him to describe the week as such is a very anticipated bit of information:

S.M is planning on debuting yet another boy group.

Of course, this is information purely based on what Jongin has heard from a few trainees. Just a rumor.

Jongin has never been so hopeful because of a rumor.

So, the first thing that comes to his mind is to tell Yixing the "news". He's buzzing with excitement at the many possible reactions his boyfriend could have to the news.

They both meet up in one of the common rooms that trainees were given access to lounge in. Jongin could hear the chatter among the trainees about the new group, and what their thoughts are on it.

The male trainees were either anxious or arrogant about positions in the boy group, not concerning themselves with the rumor status the information held.  The females trainees, however, we're talking about how unfair it is to have another boy group debut. They didn't appreciate the notion and were furious about the decision. Rumor or not.

It doesn't matter to Jongin at all.

Their opinions meant nothing to him right now. Especially when he has a chance.

It may be a small chance, but he'll be damned if he let that sliver of success go.

He spots Yixing in the corner of the room, sitting at a vacant table that sat 2 people.

Jongin makes his way there and greets Yixing.

"Hey, Yixing."

"Hi, Jongin." He gets in reply.

He takes his seat across from Yixing. They both sit there and look at each other for a few seconds before speaking once more.

Jongin decides to cut the silence once more.

"I didn't see you in the morning again," he mentions.

He doesn't want to seem overprotective or jealous, but he's just genuinely curious with how Yixing spends his mornings.

He has a feeling he stays a while to cuddle a bit with Jongin before leaving to do whatever he does. He's pretty sure. Positive, even.

Of course, he's never awake at that time to see it for himself, with the only evidence to support it being the indent in the sheets and the covers over his shoulders.

His covers never stay that way with all the tossing and turning he knows he does while asleep. 

So, yeah. Jongin is Sherlock 2.0 confirmed. Self-proclaimed, but still rings the truth. 

Yixing pulls him from his thoughts, as per usual.

"Sorry. Force of habit," he says.

Yixing chuckles. "I know, Jongin."

Jongin doesn't push it any further. If Yixing sees it as important for Jongin to know, then he'd let it be known.

Yixing does not hide anything from Jongin.

He has no reason to.

Jongin continues with the bit of information that he's been meaning to tell Yixing about.

"So, word's been going around about a new boy group that's due for debut," he says.

Yixing's eyes light up at the information. He looks beautiful.

"No, actually. I hear a lot more conversation than usual, but I wasn't expecting it to be about a new group." He looks like he's in slight disbelief.

"Yeah, I know. It's still a rumor, but Yixing, just imagine the chances we'd have if it were to be true!" Jongin exclaims. It's loud compared to the volume in the rest of the room. Yixing pulls a "You should know to behave in public." face and puts his hand over Jongin's in an attempt to remind him to contain his excitement.

Not that it would be happening anytime soon.

Jongin sheepishly puts a hand behind his head and mumbles his apology.

Of course, only to be riled up within a few seconds after.

"Xing, I just can't believe this could be happening. It just feels so soon, you know? I've been awaiting this moment since I came here and now that it's upon us I just-" he stops for a second to contain his excitement. "I dunno what to say anymore honestly," he puts out.

Yixing doesn't respond, as if he knows Jongin was still going to continue on. Jongin has always suspected that Yixing knows him all too well.

He looks Yixing directly in the eyes and grasps his hands lightly, aware that he was in the public eye. He swallows the lump in his throat.

"What if we don't make it?" he stops to ask something more accurate than that.

"What if I don't make it?" he whispers, more to himself than to Yixing.

There it is. The million dollar question.

Yixing doesn't say anything for a while. Jongin thinks that the question didn't even reach his ears. He sort of hopes that it didn't.

The chatter around them seemed almost unbearably loud now. 

He almost doesn't notice that Yixing has already begun to speak.

"Jongin." Jongin looks up to face Yixing. 

The thoughtful look on his face can probably calm a storm.

Jongin's always thought that.

He continues, "Stop quitting before anything's even started. You have more promise than most here, and I'm not only saying that because of my bias towards you," he ensures, smiling as Jongin lets out a small giggle.

The thumb over the top of his hand is just as comforting as Yixing's words. In the past, any type of contact with Yixing would have him reeling in a second, scared that they'd be found out and shunned by the company. Turns out, the skinship is something that's commonplace among friends, and Jongin doesn't think he's ever been more relieved. There have been many situations where Jongin desperately needs a hand to hold, including this moment now.

The group of trainees near them have quieted down significantly. 

Jongin doesn't notice it. His eyes and attention are all directed on Yixing.

"We can make it, Jongin," he says, cradling Jongin's hand in his. "We may not be guaranteed a spot in the group, if it even rings true, but it's possible. For us, Jongin, it's definitely possible."

The words hit home, and he's speechless. Jongin wants to kiss him right here.

But he can't.

Jongin figures a reply is in order, even if his vocal chords seem nonexistent at the moment.

"What the hell? Is this a fucking joke?" He hears a seething voice beside him.

What.

He looks over to see another trainee, arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed.

Jongin has never wanted to punch anybody in his life, even at 18, he still believes that violence is never the answer for any problem.

He has forgotten that moral now.

The trainee continues on with whatever bullshit he's on about, and Jongin really wants nothing more than to plant his fist right in his face. 

"Listen, China Boy. There's no fucking way that the company is gonna debut a Chinese dude in a group. _Again._ Especially when they have us Koreans to choose from and you ungrateful pigs turn out to be the fuck-ups who spit right back in their faces."

Jongin is livid right now.

Is the lost opportunity worth it right now? When he's so close to possibly achieving his dreams?

Yes. For Yixing's credit, dignity, and hard work, yes, it is.

He huffs and flips his fringe to the side, "Talk about biting the hand that feeds you. I don't even know why we still accept foreign people like you to be trainees." He turns to walk away, his little group following closely behind, not contributing to the rant whatsoever.

Jongin reaches out to grab him by the collar of his shirt.

"Yixing is not like that. Not at all, asshole."

He can't hear the small, collective gasps around him.

He doesn't care.

Not when this asshole is within reach. Not when Jongin is seeing red, his grip tightening by the second. Not when Yixing has been insulted and slandered right in front of him.

He closes his right hand into another fist, ready to make contact with the face now in front of him.

"If only there were words to express my disgust for a fucking pig like you," he whispers, anxiety and fear dissolved into a blind anger.

He lets loose his fist with no regrets.

Only to be stopped by..

Another hand?

The soft, yet tight grip on his wrist is familiar. Calming.

He turns to see what stopped his fist from making contact with the guy Jongin has so graciously and appropriately named "The Asshole".

It's Yixing.

A disappointed look adorns his face.

Jongin hates that face. Especially when it's directed at him.

"Jongin," he says, hand still grasping Jongin's wrist, voice void of any emotion.

Jongin hates that face even more. Especially when he's the one that's caused it.

Their half of the room is dead silent, and the chatter still on the other side of the room just sounds like a garbled mess.

The whole world seems like it's at a standstill. 

"Let's go." Yixing says, pulling on Jongin's wrist. 

Jongin follows him.

The grip on his wrist is the only thing keeping him grounded right now.  Yixing has always been the only thing to keep him in touch with reality.

He barely realizes that Yixing has taken him back to their room.

He takes a deep breath.

The anxiety has caught up with him. The toll of his actions have come to fruition.

What the hell did he just do?

He could have gotten his trainee status permanently revoked. He could have had his 3 years worth of hard work come undone in a matter of seconds.

He could have gotten Yixing hurt.

"Yixing. I'm sorry," he murmurs, his eyes stinging with the oncoming tears.

Wow. What a boyfriend.

Here he was on the verge of crying, when his boyfriend just went through so much worse.

"I shouldn't even be crying. Goddamn it, Xing, I'm so pathetic," he mumbles, sniffling every few seconds.

"It's okay, Jongin." Jongin loves his voice so damn much.

"I know you were only trying to protect me, but you should've been more careful. That punch could have cost you your dreams."

"Yixing," he pauses because his hiccups are acting up. "My dreams have changed since we met. It's not all about me anymore, and I know that now. 'm not gonna let some asshole bully my boyfriend for any reason. I want to protect you 'cause it's what you've always done for me." He embraces Yixing tightly, letting his head rest on his shoulder. 

"My dreams have changed so much in the past 3 years, Xing." He takes a deep breath, a vain attempt to chain a coherent sentence together.

"My dreams for the future can't be complete without you by my side."

Yixing's body is quivering. Jongin can hear him sniffling. 

He has never seen or heard Yixing cry in the 3 years they've known each other.

Jongin hugs him tighter.

"I'm so tired, Jongin," he whispers.

Jongin thinks his heart is crying out in pain.

His chest hurts so much.

"I know, Xing. I know." 

He leans back to look at Yixing's face. There are tears streaking down his face, and his eyes are puffy and wet. He looks away slightly, not used to showing anyone this side of him

"Sometimes, I don't even think it's worth it anymore. Not worth the insults, the rumors, the bullying. I'm just so tired, Jongin. So tired of being singled out and told that I'm nothing. I've always lived by the rule of never complaining about your circumstances, but it's so hard to stick to that when it's all like this."

"You'll make it, Xing. I know it's shitty and hard and exhausting right now, but you have this. Those people don't matter. They never will matter," he says, "It's just like you said. There's no one in the world but us. Always." Jongin knows it's his turn to comfort Yixing, to repay what has been given to him. He's more than willing to.

Yixing cries even harder, head still turned away, and body still trembling in Jongin's arms.

"Look at me, please?" he asks.

He turns to face Jongin slowly, there are tears streaking down his cheeks, and his eyes are watery.

Jongin thinks he's the most beautiful being he's come across. Will ever come across.

Jongin wipes away the tears. Yixing does the same for him.

They're both gazing at each other, still sniffling and hiccuping.

"I love you." Is what they both say in unison.

Jongin has his face tucked into the crook of Yixing's neck. Yixing's hands are still gripping onto Jongin's waist.

Time is forgotten as they lay crumpled on the floor, still embracing each other. Before Jongin can succumb to sleep, he slips his hand into Yixing's.

The soft grip on his hand does wonders in calming him. Jongin falls asleep.

He misses the soft peck on his cheek. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oml we're almost done with this woop
> 
> but i'm going camping over the weekend so idk if i'll be able to update till i get back home :/


	11. ropes that burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh im leavin for camping yet again and i had no wifi at home this whole week rip this chapter is way overdue :///

The next day, rather than waking up on the floor, Jongin finds that he's nestled in his sheets and tucked into bed.

It must be the work of Yixing.

Yixing.

Jongin peers over to his side and is both disappointed and used to the absence of his lover. Hm.

He really shouldn't be up, considering that they both spent the night crying on the cold, hard, floor. Jongin's head is killing him, and he's sure that the same applies to Yixing.

He's worried for Yixing.

He glances at the clock on the nightstand beside their bed. It's 4 in the morning. Yixing should not be awake doing whatever it is he's doing right now. He should be asleep, hogging their shared blanket, and be nestled beside Jongin. As much as Jongin would love to fall back onto his pillows and knock out, he knows that he needs to bring Yixing back to bed.

He's also curious about the whereabouts of his boyfriend. Very, very curious.

Jongin still doesn't know how Yixing spends his early mornings, he never bothered asking about it because it was never something to come up during practice.

He can say it doesn't bother him all that he wants, but deep down he's kind of feeling a bit insecure.

Is it worth skipping out on sleep? Worth working yourself to death?

Worth leaving Jongin to wake up by himself?

Jongin feels kind of sick. Maybe a bit betrayed.

His chest hurts, and his heart is pounding in his chest.

He gets up and quickly throws on some sweats laying beside him on the bed. He walks with a new resolve out the door and into the dark, quiet corridor.

Even without a certain destination in mind, his curiosity is strong.

So, he goes.

Maybe he's over-thinking the possible outcomes. Maybe he's being ridiculous. He should have more trust in Yixing.

They tell each other everything. At least, Jongin tells him everything. His dreams, fears, the love he has for him.

Everything.

He can't think of turning back at this point. Not when the anxiety and anticipation has overtaken his mind and being. Not when his feet have brought him to the doorway of their practice room. Their room. Hm.

He can hear someone's footsteps and labored breathing even from the corridor leading to the room. He can recognize that footing, that routine, and that same breathing pattern. He's been practicing with it for as long as he can remember.

He knows it's Yixing without having to open the door. Even in his current groggy, dazed state, he's certain it's him. 3 years of knowing someone does wonders in honing your identification skills, especially if it's your own lover.

He walks up to the wooden door, hand frozen atop the metal handle. Jongin is unsure. Maybe just a bit regretful he bothered to get out of bed at this time for something that might not even happen to be necessarily bad. Yes, he really should have more faith in Yixing, but curiosity is strong and unrelenting until it's sated. Once again, his body moves on it's own, and he steps into the room.

The sight is almost too much for Jongin, and he feels tears beginning to pool in his eyes. He almost wishes they'd block out his vision completely so that he wouldn't have to stand here and bear witness to the scene before him.

There in the middle of the room was Yixing, dancing the morning away, unaware of Jongin's presence. It's just half of a usual sight for Jongin. Yixing, as always, is focused on the music that plays from the speaker nearby and his reflection in front of him, moving with him and accompanying him throughout the routine. Jongin can't look away for even a moment, and he doesn't think that he'd ever want to do such a thing. Jongin has always been enamored by Yixing's dancing, and he knows that he always will be. He looks beautiful. Sharp. Graceful.

Everything Jongin is not.

It seems like a normal scene. Jongin wishes that it was. His eyes reluctantly flit down to the cursed sandbags that surround Yixing. As he moves, the bags weigh him down, slow his movements, and break Jongin's heart. They're tied to his legs. His arms. Most of them are attached to his waist. Jongin would switch places with him in an instant, if it would take away his pain and groans, he would do it without second thoughts or hesitation.

He doesn't know how long he stares at the bags that weigh Yixing down, but he doesn't know that he just can't watch this any longer. The emotions he feels right now are making him feel kind of lightheaded and are split in two, mostly torn between anger and sadness.

He wants to let the tears loose and cry. Jongin's always been a crier.

He wants to scream at the top of lungs and rip his hair out. Jongin's never been a screamer.

Jongin does just that.

He doesn't even know what he screams out, he doesn't even realize that he's gotten Yixing's attention until he's turning around to face him. He looks startled. Scared, even. Like a child who's been caught doing something their parents told them not to do. Jongin wants to run over and comfort him and tell him that hurting himself is never going to be worth it, but he also wants to go on and give Yixing a piece of his mind. He's hurting himself and Jongin can't take it. He feels his pain and he just wants Yixing to stop.

Jongin goes on, letting his anger take him over like the fool he is. "What the fuck are you doing?" He demands, seething in anger.

No. He shouldn't be talking to Yixing like this.

Yixing doesn't say anything, and this only serves to make Jongin even more pissed off. The anger has taken over him and he has no control anymore. It's like he's a different person. He can't bear to look Yixing in the eyes, so he looks anywhere else to avoid his gaze, his eyes landing on the several ropes encompassing his body. The ropes bound around Yixing burn themselves into his vision, and he sees red. There is no holding his anger at bay right now. He knows he's going to regret this later, but he goes on anyway. He's such a fool.

"Well, are you going to answer?" Yixing looks down in shame.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

He walks up to Yixing and examines the ropes further, the sadness he feels at the sight before him is just drowned out by rage. 

"So, this is what you've been up to?" He glares at Yixing, who has hesitantly looked back up to Jongin. "Hurting yourself like a damn fool. All for what, Yixing?"

You're going to hurt him more than the bags ever have. Stop.

No answer. He goes on, "I see. So desperate to keep the gap open between us, huh? You were never going to let me reach you in skill, were you?" Yixing looks down once more. "I can't believe you were willing to resort to this," he motions at the multitude of bags surrounding the both of them. "You couldn't just improve at the same rate as the rest of us, huh?"

No more. No more. No more.

"A liar is what you are. For someone who claims to be 'tired', you look fine to me," he pauses to wipe the tears that streak down his cheeks. "I always worried about the gap we had in terms of skill, always hated myself because of it, always thought I was never good enough to catch up to you. Do you even know how much doubt I had about myself?" The tears spill over. He can't tell if they're tears of sadness or anger.

"Do you even care Yixing?"

"Did you even care, Yixing?"

Don't turn this on him. Stop it. 

Yixing opens his mouth to respond. Jongin doesn't let him. 

"I don't want to hear it. Not anymore."

What are you even saying?

He turns on his heel to walk out of the room before Yixing can even form or push out a reply to his outburst. He doesn't want to turn back and give in. Or, at least, the irrational and angered side of him doesn't want to. So, he runs and ignores the pleas and cries behind him. Ignores his name that's being called.

By the time he's back in their shared room, he crumples to the ground and bawls into his arms, the impact of what he said finally reaching him. He hurt Yixing. He pushed Yixing away.

His Yixing.

All because he couldn't control his anger. All because he relied on his impulses to take care of him and sort his emotions out. He should've been there to help Yixing. Should've been there to take the ropes off his shoulders and waist and held him in his arms all night. Should've told him how much he worries for him, how much he always longs for the best for him, how much he loves him. 

Instead he spat in his face and turned his back while he cried for him. He's such a fucking idiot.

He sobs louder. The anger has dissolved into heartbreak. Heartbreak that he brought upon himself.

It feels like forever before Jongin has half a mind to move himself to his bed. Their shared bed.

Maybe that wouldn't be the case anymore.

Jongin cries harder, shoving his face into his pillow to muffle his sobs.

He fucked up.

There's no way Yixing would want him after the way Jongin treated him. He can do so much better, and Jongin wouldn't blame him if he did.

That thought does nothing to stop the tears.The words he said to Yixing repeat themselves constantly in his mind, still fresh and just as painful.

He doesn't even know why he lost his temper like that. He's always had a lid on his temper, always been the calm and easy-going Jongin few people know about and love.

Just seeing Yixing groan in pain made him want to scream at him for hurting himself and cry for him because of the hurt he thinks he has to go through just to be enough.

He wishes he couldv'e done just that:

Run to Yixing and comfort him just as he's always done for Jongin. The pain was so evident on his face when Jongin first happened upon him, and Jongin doesn't think anything is worth him getting hurt over, even if it is to debut. Debuting is definitely not worth it with Yixing being hurt, especially if it's something that can affect him in the future.

He could have said all this while holding Yixing in his arms, while gently untying the knots he's made for himself, while whispering words of encouragement in his ear as he rocks him to sleep. But he didn't do any of those things.

Would've, could've, should've. If only what-if scenarios were something that could be thought up in the midst of a problem. If only.

He's such an idiot.

He cries himself to sleep; a repeat of the events that unfolded night before.

Except this time, Yixing isn't there to embrace him and cry with him. There were no sweet-nothings and whispers of encouragement tonight to accompany him, the only thing that could be heard in the empty room were his sniffles as his breathing began to even out.

The spot that Jongin leaves beside him remains empty throughout the night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah jongins an impulsive, irrational kid and wowee this chapter makes me feel some type of way
> 
> ill update when i have access to the internet and am able to, but my priority rn is my baekxing fic :0


	12. leaps and bounds

Jongin feels like shit when he wakes up the next day.

He doesn't want to do anything. He doesn't think he has the energy to do anything but to sleep for a ridiculous amount of hours and wallow in self-pity and sadness during the time he's awake.

It definitely sounds like a plan he wants to initiate starting now, actually.

Too bad obnoxious, repetitive knocks at the door are preventing him from doing so.

His heart does a little leap in his chest, hoping that it's Yixing who's behind the door. He knows it's foolish to think that Yixing would come back after what he said to him last night, and to think that they could mend things by forgetting what he did and said with a simple apology and peck on the lips.

The thought doesn't stop his heart from pounding in his chest. He's nervous.

He swings the door open, only to be disappointed by the sight in front of him. Oh.

It was a middle-aged woman; one of the S.M staff judging by the badge pinned onto her shirt. He doesn't release the sigh of disappointment out of politeness for his guest, kind and not-so genuine smile appearing on his face without second thought.

"Good morning," he greets. 

She nods in acknowledgement before speaking, "Afternoon, actually."

"Oh." Jongin says dumbly.

He didn't realize how long he had been sleeping. After spending the night crying for hours on end, though, he really shouldn't be surprised.

She clears her throat to fill the awkward silence before speaking, "Kim Jongin, is it?"

He nods to confirm his identity. "Yes. That's me."

"Ah, good. I come with news," she says, "I hope it's not a bad time to tell you all about it right now."

"No. No, it's not. I'm listening," he replies absentmindedly, figuring he's got nothing better to do at the moment anyway.

But then he starts to worry about the sudden visit. Panic begins to set in and all the possibilities of her appearance that Jongin can think of are just pure negativity.

Is he in trouble? What could they possibly want with him at this time? Did he fuck up beyond repair with The Asshole or Yixing? 

Well, it can't possibly get any worse now. He's going to keep face just he always has, no matter the outcome. If he's dropped as a trainee, the so be it, he'll still work damn hard to make it out there too. Maybe being dropped now is good for him to start down another road in life while he's still young. The dreams he had (still has) just weren't meant to be it seems.

Just like him and Yixing.

Maybe now wasn't the best time to think about that, especially considering he was really prone to crying in his current state, and because the woman in front of him was speaking.

"-you understand this, right? Any questions to me?" she asks expectantly, about to turn on her heel to walk out the door.

He snaps back to reality with a slight shake of his head. "Actually, no. I did not understand. I'm sorry, but can you run that by me again, please?"

She lets out a huff, as if she's in a hurry to get somewhere else. "After much research into your abilities and progression you, along with 11 other trainees, have been chosen to debut. You will be debuting in our next boy group in about half a year from now, and will be meeting the other members tomorrow. More information about the group will be relayed to you then."

Wait.

What?

Is this really happening right now? To him? Did he even hear that right?

Jongin feels like crying. He's made it. He's done it.

"Now, if that would be all, I must take my leave," she checks her watch for the time and turns around, "Congratulations," she offers, her figure disappearing from Jongin's sight.

"Thank you," he mumbles to no one in particular.

He snaps out of his trance to give a proper response to the fleeting figure. "Thank you!" he screams down the hall.

He wishes to scream it to everyone in the building, to everyone living in South Korea, to the world. He wants to let the news resound throughout the world, and for everyone to know that he's _finally_ fucking done it.

Tears begin to appear and make his vision foggy. He doesn't bother to wipe them as they roll down his cheek onto the wood floor under his feet.

It's a dream. All a dream, is what he tells himself. That's what it seems like. All his self-doubt has dissolved in the moment because he earned this and deserves this. Deserves this so damn much. His work got him here, and even when he felt like absolute shit and wanted to quit, he still kept at it. This is the reward all of his work has brought him.

His reward. Recognition, love, fame, and finally being a somebody are all his rewards to reap.

The thoughts make his knees weak, and he falls to the ground, head in his hands, tears still flowing.

He's overwhelmed with emotion. Still in disbelief. He's attempting to cope and process what happened by mumbling to himself as he still sat crumpled on the floor below him.He can't keep track of his feelings.

He doesn't think he can right now.

Even after losing his family, his best friend, and his first love, he's still going to be a somebody. He'll be damned if he let the opportunity pass him by, especially after all the shit he's gone through.

He'll keep going. He'll power through. He'll show just how he was considered for debut in the first place.

Without any sense of time once more, he falls asleep curled up onto the floor, tear tracks dried on his cheeks, and brows still furrowed together in determination.

A light knock on the closed door falls on deaf ears, as do the footsteps that resound throughout the small room. A single finger strokes Jongin's cheek, whispers of "I miss you." and "I hope the best for you." that are directed at him are ones that he cannot hear. He doesn't feel his hair being pushed back ever so gently, and doesn't feel the light kiss to his forehead.

The lone bulb hanging from the ceiling is switched off and a blanket is laid over his sleeping figure.

Jongin fails to hear the click of the door as it is being closed, and the footsteps that travel farther and farther away from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> might be a while before i have internet rip so yeah have a somewhat feel good chapter
> 
> and with kyungsoos teaser, its basically confirmed yixings not even gonna be in the mv, my denial is now gone and my heart is broken. ill be @'ing s.m eternally.


	13. trees, superpowers, and a heart's call

Jongin wakes up earlier than usual the next morning, buzzing with excitement at meeting his future group members.

He pushes the blanket off of himself, and rises from the floor, ache in his back from the hard floor he slept on. He stretches and looks down at the blanket crumpled on the floor, wondering when in the world he woke up to grab it from the bed beside him because he does not recall falling asleep with a blanket on. Hm.

He picks it up from the ground, and lays it neatly on his bed after folding it. It really wasn't a time to be thinking about a potential sleepwalking problem anyway.

He had new people to meet.

People he'd be working with for years to come.

The thought brings him excitement and anxiety once more. 

After throwing on a decent outfit and washing up, he's on his way out the door. His feet guide him there unconsciously, the layout of the building basically having been imprinted into his mind over 4 years of roaming these halls. The meeting place was fitting (not); it was his and Yixing's usual practice room.

A bitter taste in his mouth is left by the thought. Of course, the pattern of beginning something special there and ending something special there must go on as continuously as it had been for Jongin.

He tries not to feel sick as his hand hovers over the door handle once more. The scene is all too familiar, and he's overcome with sadness.

He's almost too scared to open the door, scared that he was going to fuck something up again if he turned the handle and walked into the room.

Maybe he was just being ridiculous.

It's not like he and Yixing were anything anymore anyway.

Jongin's heart feels heavy for probably the billionth time over a mere span of 3 days. Part of him wants to turn back and run away, the other part of him just wants to get it all over with, with as little angst and heartache as possible.

If only that were the case.

If only Jongin were a damn psychic.

He doesn't have a chance to touch the handle before someone approaches him from behind, footsteps almost inaudible on the hardwood floors below him.

"Hey, you gonna open the door?" The voice behind him is scratchy, and somewhat deep, startling him even though Jongin knew he was there behind him.

He turns around quickly, stammering an apology for being unresponsive and still. "Uh, sorry. I guess I just..." he trails off, unsure of what to say.

The guy in front of him is about as tall as him, shoulders broad and imposing, no emotion on his face.

Jongin thinks he's kind of scary-looking.

Maybe slightly emo with the haircut he sports, the fringe almost completely covering his eyes.

"Don't worry about it," he says. "I'm guessing you're gonna be in the new group as well."

Jongin nods dumbly, and tilts his head slightly at the hand reaching on towards him.

"Oh Sehun," he greets. "Might as well know each other now if we're gonna be spending the next few years together."

Ah. Handshake. That's right. 

"Kim Jongin." He takes Sehun's hand and shakes it, his grasp lighter than Sehun's.

Once that's over, the silence that overcomes them is awkward.

Like really, _really_ awkward.

Thankfully, though, Sehun is the first to break it.

"So," he mumbles. "Let's go in?"

"Yeah," Jongin replies. "Let's go in."

He reaches for the handle and pushes the door open, the sunlight from the open windows being the first thing to greet him and Sehun. They both walk in, noticing that they weren't the first members to arrive. The seats formed into a half-circle were only filled about halfway.

He notes that there are 12 seats.

Seemed Jongin was going to be a part of a large group. He's not sure how he feels about the large number, but an explanation would be coming soon enough.

He can wait.

He's been waiting for the past 4 years. What's more is another hour to him?

"Hey," Sehun calls. "Sit with me." He takes Jongin's arm and and pulls him towards two empty seats at the end of the formation.

Jongin has half a mind to call out Sehun's demand, but he pushes it aside for now, figuring that someone wanting his company was better than nothing. They sit beside each other, and in almost no time at all, the seat beside Jongin is taken up.

He decides it's his turn to greet someone new.

What has he got to lose?

"Hi," he says.

Jongin seems to have gotten his attention, judging from the sudden reaction he got.

"Hi," the other timidly replies.

"I'm Kim Jongin."

"'m Huang Zitao. You can call me Tao, if you want."

It seems he was a foreign trainee, if the name and accent were any indicators. Jongin wonders for a second just how diverse their group would be.

It seems nice already.  

"Oh. Is that gonna be your stage name?"

Zitao hums, face scrunched in thought. He faces Jongin. "I want it to be."

"Well, I'm sure it will be, Tao." He pats Zitao on the shoulder.

Jongin doesn't think he'll ever regret debuting with these people, even if he's only met two of them so far.

He can almost sense that he'll make friends for life, and form brotherly bonds.

It's a thought that makes him smile back at Zitao, a smile brighter than the sunlight pouring through the glass windows at the end of the room.

More people begin to file in, and light chatter begins to fill the room. Some are energetic and friendly, going around and out of their way to meet their future group members. Jongin laughs at their antics, already predicting that they'd be a trio loved by the masses.

Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Jongdae. They all greet as hastily as they can. Jongin is kind of envious of their personalities.  

It'll take Jongin a while to memorize their names, even with the effort he puts in trying to match names to faces.

Some of them are quiet and reserved, sitting at the opposite end, and Jongin doesn't know most of their names yet. He figures he will soon enough.

The only one belonging to this group who he's met is Kyungsoo, friendly and comforting with a glare always ready on standby. Jongin vaguely remembers having short conversations with him from time to time.

There are a few empty seats left at this point. Jongin wonders who the other members will be.

His heart is doing the thing again.

The thing where it foolishly hopes Yixing will be reunited with Jongin again. Where it foolishly hopes that Yixing will be one of the 12.

He tries to will it aside, but it doesn't work. It still calls him with every beat. Still makes Jongin even more foolish with every passing beat.

Yixing, Yixing, Yixing.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

His heart doesn't stop. 

"Hey, Jongin," Sehun whispers, poking Jongin's side. "What do you think our name will be?"

He's thankful for the distraction and is quick to answer. "I don't know. I'm hoping it's something cool."

Sehun rolls his eyes at the comment. " _Obviously._ "

Zitao looks at Sehun disapprovingly. "You don't have to say it like that, Sehun." 

"Well, it's true! Who wants to be a part of a group with a lame name for years on end?" he huffs.

Both Jongin and Zitao know (even in the limited amount of time they've known each other) that arguing with Sehun is a lost cause. Better to just appease the youngest before he steps on your shoes or something childish like that. They both put their hands up in surrender.

"Okay, okay, Sehun. You win." Jongin says.

Sehun looks all too pleased with himself. In little time, however, he's back to being huffy and impatient.

"Ugh, when is this meeting gonna start? I want the details already," he groans, bouncing his leg with impatience.

"It's going to start soon, Sehun. Just be patient." Zitao chides quietly.

"Yeah, we all want to know about the group just as much as you," Jongin adds. "Just be glad you got picked to even be here." Zitao nods at this.

Sehun just grumbles some more before agreeing with the two. "Yeah, yeah. I am. Maybe I'd be even more glad if the last two would show up already." He points at the door.

As if it were beckoned by Sehun's gesture, the door swings open to reveal the final two members.

They are all in awe at the coincidence, but Jongin was in awe for a completely different reason.

His heart drops and he feels like breathing is much more of a chore now. He can barely hear Sehun and Zitao speaking beside him.

"Woah! Sehun, that was so cool!" Zitao chirped.

"Right? Oh Sehun: Boy group member? More like Oh Sehun: All-mighty wizard." he jokes, chest puffed out with pride. Zitao laughs at this.

They both further examine the new trainees as they make their way to the 2 empty seats coupled with each other.

"That guy looks really, really, pretty," Zitao murmurs. "Sorta like a girl."

"Yeah, he does," he pokes Jongin in the side again. "What do you think, Jongin?"

Jongin doesn't respond.

Both Sehun and Zitao are worried by his sudden silence. 

"Jongin? Are you okay?" Zitao asks.

He can't respond right now. There's just no way. Not with Yixing in the same damn room as him. Not when their eyes meet for a second and in no time, Yixing is avoiding any and all contact with Jongin, looking only at the trainee he walked in with.

It's all bittersweet to him.

His heart doesn't stop thumping in his chest.

"Hey, Jongin. Jongin," Sehun calls, shaking his stiff, frozen form.

"Yeah? Yeah," he manages to put out a response. "I'm good." 

I'm good, I'm fine, I'm okay.

The two beside him are still worried for Jongin, but can't say anything else because the staff is here to brief them. They reluctantly look to the front of the room and direct their attention there, standing up to give a quick bow as they introduce themselves and their reason for calling them here.

It takes Jongin all of his willpower to focus on the staff, to focus on what was more important right now.

He knows that's a lie.

No one's more important than Yixing.

The same woman that came to Jongin's room yesterday spoke first, stepping forward from the line the staff created. "Now, we assume you all know the reason you are gathered here in this room?" 

"Yes." Is said in unison, 12 voices melding together as one.

"The group that all of you will form is different in that we will be splitting you up into 2 different units. One will promote here in South Korea, and the other will promote mainly in China," she says, the announcement leaving the seated members in confusion. "Yes, we understand that this is not traditional, but it is something S.M Entertainment has decided to try out and experiment with using this group."

Jongin can hear Sehun whispering beside him, "We're basically gonna be guinea pigs?"

"I guess so," Zitao replies. "But I mean, why not just have 2 separate groups instead?"

"Maybe they plan on having us merge together after a period of time?" Jongin suggests, his mind being collected enough to form coherent thoughts now. Sort of.

"I hope that's the case." Zitao says.

Sehun is quick to silence them once another staff member steps forward to speak. "Guys, be quiet." Jongin and Zitao huff at him, unbelieving that Sehun has the audacity to say such a thing when he was the one to start their conversation to begin with.

"In regards to the group name and debut concept, we would like to say that it will remain throughout a majority of comebacks as a reoccurring theme some way or another," he announces. Those seated are anticipating their group name, either buzzing in their seats with excitement, or leaning forward in interest. "It has been decided and finalized that EXO will be your group name as a whole. The Korean unit being EXO-K and the Mandarin unit EXO-M, as suggested by the letters of the respective languages."

No reactions can be made from anybody before the man begins to speak once more, not allowing them time to give their thoughts or vent their emotions.

"Before we even start with releasing the MV, there obviously have to be teasers released to get the public's attention. Of course, a majority of these released will be of the face of the group." The man nods slightly, looking straight as Jongin for a second before bringing his attention back to the front.

"Um," he starts, not really knowing what to say.

Zitao gasps and shakes Jongin's shoulder quite roughly. "I think it's you, Jongin!" he whisper-yells.

Sehun huffs. "Was hoping it would be me," he mumbles, earning a glare from Zitao. " _But_ it's a good choice. You're pretty hot."

Jongin's cheeks redden with the praise. "Thanks." he says sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.

The staff member in front begins to speak again, taking a deep breath before starting.

"Now for your debut concept," he pauses, his hands clasped together. "You are 12 other-worldly beings, each with your unique superpower, and a task to ensure what is called 'The Tree of Life'. A force of evil is sent upon you, forcing a split between the 12 in attempts to protect the Tree. With the split of the Tree, two worlds are forged where you may only unite once certain circumstances are met regarding the sky and the world you inhabit."

Jongin doesn't even know how to react at this point. It's a lot of information to absorb, that's for sure. 

Superpowers? Trees? What the fuck?

It seems he's not the only one thinking that, seeing as how the members go on to voice their opinions on the name and concept while the man in front pauses to let it all soak in, for the members and for himself. Jongin doesn't blame him, it was definitely a mouth-full and a load to remember. Kudos to him.

"Okay, I'm honestly not sure if our concept is super lame or somewhat cool." Sehun says dumbly.

"Same here," Jongin replies. "I mean it could be one of those things that sounds super cool on paper but when you look back at it, it's fucking terrible and embarrassing."

"True," Zitao joins in. "I hope we're not going to have to act out our powers or something like that."

They all shudder with the thought of that being a possibility.

"In that case, I'm hoping my power's fucking awesome. I'm not trying to have the 25 year old me dying of embarrassment when he looks back on our debut video."

Zitao and Jongin explode with laughter at Sehun's tone. The laughter is something that makes Jongin feel better about his current predicament.

Even if he's sitting here in the same room as his (ex?)boyfriend, the two not on talking terms since the "incident", as Jongin so wisely dubbed their argument. The argument that  _he_ started. Jongin doesn't think he regrets anything more than that.

Both Zitao and Sehun do wonders in getting his mind off of his worries, and he doesn't think he'd be able to love being in a group as much as he does now if they weren't with him.

He loves them already, the short time spent together feeling as if they'd grown up with each other, rather than just getting to know their names for the first time not even 30 minutes ago. Jongin thinks he might cry right now with the overwhelming emotions he feels.

He doesn't.

He can't.

Not with Zitao's loud, boisterous laughter. Not with Sehun's sassy remarks and ridiculous poses. Not when he's glad to be in the company of the two. Not when he's finally gotten recognition for his hard work. Not while he's on the way to becoming a somebody.

He's not the happiest person on the face of the Earth, but he's making do with what he's got. Maybe he and Yixing can make up and at the very least be friends. Jongin would do anything just to have him back by his side again.

He feels himself smile at the thought. Even as friends or acquaintances, Jongin would be happy. 

"Oh my God, Jongin. What's up with your face?" Sehun points directly at Jongin, not bothering to keep himself from laughing. Even Zitao is giggling like a little schoolgirl beside him.

Okay.

Sehun is officially the worst.

"Shut up," he snaps at Sehun, slightly flustered at his remark. 

Sehun decides to be more snarky and nosy and annoying (much to Jongin's dismay). "Is it because of the guy over there making goo-goo eyes at you?" Sehun is pointing towards the opposite side of the room. The side that Jongin hasn't dared to look over since the beginning of the meeting.

Another "What the fuck?" for the second time in one day. If only Jongin were playing a damn bingo game.

"Wait. What?" Jongin asks, not bothering to look in the direction Sehun is pointing in. He doesn't think he could bear even the thought of it.

Before either can say another word, the staff are bringing their attention back to them so that they can conclude their meeting.

"So, now you know your group name and the concept of your debut MV. What's left to decide now is your stage names, some of which have already been determined beforehand. If in any case you do not like the stage name you are given, and have a suggestion to contest that, we are willing to take it into consideration," the man announces. "That matter will be discussed with each member individually. Right now, however, we will be disclosing who will promote with which group. Some members have already been spoken to about placement before the time of this meeting."

He takes a slip of paper from the staff member behind him. Everyone is holding their breath for the reveal.

Sehun scoffs, "Well, you don't need to have a 140 IQ to guess who's gonna be in EXO-M." Jongin just elbows him in the side to shut him up.

"The finalized placement for both groups will now be announced," he pauses to read over the paper in front of him. "Those who will be in EXO-K are as follows: Kim Junmyeon, Park Chanyeol, Byun Baekhyun, Do Kyungsoo, Kim Jongin, and Oh Sehun. The remaining that will make up EXO-M are: Kim Minseok, Lu Han, Wu Yifan, Zhang Yixing, Kim Jongdae, and Huang Zitao."

Hm. He and Yixing were going to be in the same group, but at the same time, they weren't really a part of the same group. It's so confusing it makes Jongin's head hurt.

"See what I mean?" Sehun whispers beside him.

"Quiet, Sehun. He's still talking." Zitao motions to the man in front.

"This meeting is over. We will be calling you out to speak with you individually all throughout tomorrow. Please save any questions you still have until then," he says. "And congratulations. You all have worked hard and long to debut. We do not doubt that you will make your mark and live up to S.M Entertainment's name."

"Thank you!" Is said in unison, all 12 members bowing to the staff as they leave through the door.

Jongin's heart feels heavy for many different reasons.

But one is a reality he has difficulty coming to terms with even now.

It's official.

He's going to debut. 

Tears begin to form in his eyes, clouding his vision, and threatening to spill. He doesn't notice the worried look thrown his way from across the room. He wouldn't have been able to anyway. He's too overwhelmed with emotion to do anything but look at the floor beneath him.

He feels a hand grasp his own, just as shaky as his, and breaths as uneven as his. He looks up at Zitao and cries even more at the sight, cries even more at the tears that streak down his cheeks.

Sehun's eyes are watering too. He hides it by embracing them tightly, the three squished and squeezed together so compactly that Jongin is having even more trouble taking in breaths of air. Jongin wouldn't want it any other way. He just hugs them tighter.

It's official.

They're going to debut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> goddamn it i cant put into words just how much i freakin love kaitaohun friendship
> 
> also the war dropped yesterday and im very upset yixings vocals aren't anywhere to be seen...but most of the albums a bop and theyre topping charts B^)) as expected lmao


	14. all these open doors

Jongin is nervous. Extremely nervous.

He's currently stuffed in an elevator with Zitao and Sehun on both of his sides, the other members of his undebuted group were squished into other corners of the small space.

No words were said throughout most of the ride up, partly because of the awkward unfamiliarity between the members, and partly because everyone had too much on their minds to even bother with speech right now.

The screen next to the door shows that they've arrived on the highest floor of the building.

Collective sighs of relief fill the silence, along with the chime accompanying the metal doors that open.

Once the other members have evacuated from the cart, Jongin's group steps out into the grand hallway that seems to spam for miles and miles. The grandeur of it all leaves them in awe.

"Dude," Sehun gapes at the infinite amount of rooms that litter the corridor. "This place is freakin' unreal. There are more rooms in this hallway than I can count."

"Maybe consider going back to grade school to learn the numbers that go past 10?" Jongin grins.

After taking a moment to understand what he said, Zitao is having trouble muffling his giggles right behind Jongin.

"You're lucky I'm in a good mood today," Sehun grumbles.

The other two burst out laughing, the noise echoing beyond the empty corridor.

Flustered by the reaction, he steps in front to pull them both into the hall by their hands. "Come on," he says, tugging on their wrists. "They're gonna start calling us soon, and I don't wanna be late."

They follow him, giggling away in the silent hallway. Sehun leads them into the same room the other members went into, ducking their heads in as they enter, hands still intertwined.

There are no seats in the room, most of the members standing in the middle of the room, or sitting on the floor against the walls.

"Do you guys want to stand or sit on the floor?" Sehun asks, motioning to the open space of the room.

"Let's just stand," Jongin says. "I'm pretty sure they're going to start calling us soon anyway."

"I guess," Sehun shrugs. "Let me ask someone because not everyone's here, so either we got here late as hell, or some members have already been pulled out to be talked to." Zitao and Jongin nod at his surprisingly logical reasoning.

He breaks away from the group to single out and walk toward a lanky, tall guy with really animated eyes.

Jongin tries to recall his name.

Chanyeol, was it?

His memory really isn't the best.

"Hey, Chanyeol," So it is Chanyeol. Jongin is relieved that his memory is still in working order. "Have they started calling people yet?" 

The voice that answers is deep, sort of expected from someone with that stature. With a voice like that, he was probably trained to be a rapper, maybe even a vocal.

Dancing was out of the question, seeing as how Jongin has yet to see a giant with graceful feet.

Not like he knew any of these guys enough to judge them anyway.

"Yeah, they called a few people out like right when you got here." Sehun nods his head, saying his thanks with a pat on the shoulder, and walks back to Zitao and Jongin.

He makes a displeased face as he gets closer, making Zitao tilt his head to the side in confusion, and Jongin huff at his predictable attitude.

"So," he starts like the drama queen he is. Jongin crosses his arms over his chest. "Turns out we were late."

Zitao is the first to speak, head still at an angle, staring right at Sehun. "No, that guy just said they started right before we walked in. Unless if I heard wrong..."

"Nah, he did say that." Jongin assures him.

Sehun raises an eyebrow at the two. 

"Yeah, so we're technically right on time." Jongin says, smirking at Sehun.

"Do you guys always have to double-team against me?" Sehun whines, his seemingly cold exterior having melted away from Jongin and Zitao's observations.

They both reply in unison. "Yes!" A high five and round of laughter ensue and serve to make Sehun flustered yet again.

He grumbles under his breath, and turns away from the group.

It's not long before he's back to his usual, talkative persona.

"Did you guys come with a name already?" he asks.

Jongin is slightly bothered by the question, but doesn't show it.

"Well, I'd like to be called Tao," Zitao shrugs.

"Yeah, I know," Sehun drawls. "I think it's _b_ _oring_."

Jongin scoffs and is quick to drape his arm over Zitao, both assuming a defensive stance against Sehun.

Sehun grimaces, and looks like he's on the verge of whining about "double teaming" him again.

"Alright then, Sehun." Zitao challenges Sehun's glare. "What have you chosen as your name?"

"That's, uh-"

"You don't have one, do you?" Jongin pipes up.

"I do, actually."

"Then what is it?" Both Zitao and Jongin lean in to hear his answer.

"I forgot it."

The blunt statement leads to another round of laughter from the two. 

The laughter does well to dissolve the tension Jongin felt the night before. 

A lot happened yesterday night. 

His first concern right now is his stage name.

The tension he feels is almost unbearable.

To others, sure, it's just a stage name and nothing more. But for Jongin, it's _everything_.

As a somebody, he's not going to be known as Kim Jongin up on the stage.

It's going to be whatever the company decides.

He isn't going to bother coming up with another name to suggest. Even if the name he gets is... _awful_ , he's going to stick with it. 

He's not going to mess with fate. 

They allowed him to get this far, so it's the least he could do.

The other thing on his mind is his surprise visit from Taemin.

He recalls the memory like it happened yesterday.

Because, well, it did.

With a knock on the door and tuft of brown hair peeking through the door, Jongin was springing from his bed at an instant.

Before Taemin can say anything, Jongin pulls him into a tight embrace.

Surprisingly, he doesn't want to cry.

They stay in their embrace for a long, long time. When they pull away from each other, Taemin is the first to speak, still slightly out of breath from Jongin's hug.

"Hey, it's been a while," he smiles.

"Yeah," Jongin says, in disbelief. "Yeah, it has."

Taemin laughs. "You look a little  _too_ happy to see me."

"Shut up. Don't ruin the moment."

Taemin nods his head while letting out a laugh.

Jongin missed his laugh. His smile.

He missed Taemin so much.

"So, I'm guessing you wanna know the reason as to why I'm here."

No.

You're here, and that's enough.

"Yeah. An explanation would convince me this isn't a dream." 

Jongin moves them to his bed for fear that he's going to breakdown crying or faint or something else he's prone to doing. They sit side by side and Taemin moves to grab Jongin's left hand.

The gesture makes him smile.

"So, why are you here?"

Taemin takes a breath. Jongin waits.

"I heard another boy group was gonna debut and steal our thunder," Jongin laughs and can't wait any longer to tell him the news. He keeps quiet to let Taemin finish. "I just wanted to know if you finally got your dream in motion."

The mention of dreams makes his heart sink a little and the bittersweet taste floods his mouth again.

He puts on a big smile for Taemin.

He can deal with his heart and feelings later.

The excitement comes rushing back. "Yeah," he whispers. "It's happening."

This time, Taemin is the one to embrace him tightly.

This time, Jongin does cry.

Jongin pulls away after a few minutes, his sniffles dying down. "Sorry."

"About the shirt?" he chuckles. "I can always buy another. I'm livin' the life and making bank now!"

Jongin punches him on the shoulder. "Anyway, how's that going for you?"

"My group's awesome," he says, looking up to the ceiling. "I have no other words. They're good people. At first, things were sort of tense with the other members. Two of 'em fought a lot in the beginning, but they're good now. It was awkward. But we all understood we had to get along sometime soon. There's not much room to hate or have negative energy, anyway. We're all people who got what we wanted. When you're put into a group with people you don't know, that's basically your only common ground. It makes it easy to get along on stage."

"Woah." Jongin says dumbly.

"Wise words from a wise man," Taemin jokes.

"Shut up."

Taemin just laughs it off. "What about you?"

"Where do I even start? I've already hit it off with two other members. Our debut concept is weird as hell and apparently we're being split up into two different units that are gonna promote in two different countries. It's crazy."

"Sure sounds like it. Did you already know anybody before who's debuting with you now?"

"Yeah, there's Kyungsoo and..." he trails off and freezes.

There's also Yixing.

His heart's doing the thing again.

Stop it.

He's not here. He's not going to be here. He's gone.

"Jongin," Taemin starts, worry plastered all over his face. "Are you okay?"

No. "Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

Yixing never asked Jongin for confirmation.

Taemin asks him for confirmation.

Jongin wishes that he wouldn't.

Yes. Yes. Yes. "No. I'm not okay." Jongin sobs.

Taemin brings his head into the crook of his neck. Jongin sobs harder.

"I miss him so much," he cries. "I fucking drove him away, Tae. He's gone."

"Who, Jongin? Who's gone?"

"Yixing, Taemin! He's fucking gone!" he screams through the tears. "All because I couldn't get my feelings under control and I fucking blamed him for my self-esteem issues. I'm such an idiot, Tae. Such a fucking idiot."

"Why did you blame him?" 

"Because."

"Because what?"

" _Because._ " he growls.

Jongin doesn't know why Taemin keeps asking him these questions but they're really pissing him off.

He did it because he was angry.

Angry that the reason for Yixing's accelerated progression was the effect of tying bags to himself. Angry that Yixing was willing to hurt himself just to fucking debut. Angry that he never told Jongin about it even though they said they'd trust each other with anything.

He cries even more. "Because he was hurting himself and he never fucking bothered to tell me."

"Is that it?"

No. "Yeah." 

"I know that's not all, but I won't pry," he says, still holding on to Jongin.

It's quiet after that.

Jongin is grateful that he's not looking into Taemin's eyes.

He's close to falling asleep when he hears, "Do you love him?"

Always. " _Yes._ " he breathes out.

"What are you going to do?"

Anything. "I don't know."

"Let me rephrase that," he says. "How are you going to fix this?"

"Apologize for everything I said. For not going back when he cried my name. For not untying the bags that brought him so much pain. For giving him more pain on top of that."

"God, Tae, the look on his face before I walked out broke my fucking heart."

"We all slip up sometimes, Jongin. I'm sure he'll understand."

"I'm scared he won't." Jongin whispers, half hoping that it didn't reach Taemin's ears.

"Does he love you?"

"I don't know about that now."

"Did he before?"

"He said it to me whenever he could," Jongin is having trouble swallowing the sobs at the memories they shared together. The conversations and whispers shared at the dead of night. "I would say so."

"I dunno, Jongin. Love doesn't flit away that easily. Give it a try. For him."

"But-"

Taemin puts a finger over his lips to silence him. "Do it. If you love him, then do it."

Okay.

He can do it.

He'll be damned if he lets Yixing go like this. It's his mistake to fix.

If Yixing won't accept him, then that's something he'll have to live with for the rest of his life.

A hand is waving in front of his face.

"Jongin," it sounds like... Sehun? "They're calling you up."

Jongin shakes his head and looks around the room.

He's not sitting on his bed with Taemin anymore. He's standing in the waiting room with Zitao and Sehun.

"Oh," he says. "I'll be going then. See you guys."

"See you." Sehun waves.

"Bye." Zitao adds.

He turns to the open door in the corner of the room. Taking a deep breath, he steps in.

Closing the door behind him, he bumps into a person and drops the papers in their hands. It happens so much now that it doesn't leave Jongin surprised anymore. He bends down quickly to pick them up and straighten them out, quickly mumbling his apologies. 

"Sorry about-" he stops, mouth and brain frozen in their tracks. His hand grips the papers with more force.

What makes him stop is the person standing in front of him.

There, in all of his glory, is Yixing.

Jongin's heart drops and he can't breathe, can't say a word.

They stare at each other for a long time.

Jongin doesn't think he can look away from him.

He's never had the ability to.

Say something, his brain says.

Yixing, Yixing, Yixing, his heart says.

Jongin still can't find any words, the woman calling his name behind Yixing is forgotten. 

Someone comes from behind and pushes him past Yixing. 

No. No. No.

Say something. _Anything_.

Before he enters the other door, Yixing takes his papers from Jongin's frozen hand.

"Thank you." he whispers and nearly sprints out of the room.

Yixing is such a gentleman.

Jongin is such an idiot.

These things aren't new.

He feels empty as he's guided into an office, the blinding white walls and stale air makes him feel sick. The hand on his shoulder pushes him to sit down in the leather rolling chair.

"Kim Jongin, yes?"

His instinctual smile graces the woman in front of him in a flash and he sits up in his seat immediately.

He recognizes her from the staff line-up present at the meeting yesterday. "Yes, that's me."

"Great." She reaches over to open a drawer, pulling out a file with his name on it.

He waits with a heavy heart and slight anticipation as she flips the file open, looking for a certain paper.

As she flips through them one by one, she asks, "You know why you are here, correct?"

"Yes." 

She takes a paper from the pile and slides it in front of him.

"The company has decided to choose 'Kai' as your stage name," she says simply. 

Kai.

He likes it.

"Can I ask why the company chose Kai as my name?"

She looks like she's in a hurry to get this over with, even though she tries her best to hide it. Jongin doesn't really blame her, she has a lot of people to brief. But he really wants to know the meaning behind his name.

"In Chinese, Kai means open. We thought it was fitting for you, seeing as you will be the member who can 'open doors'."

"Why would I be the one to open anything?"

She lets out a small chuckle. "Full of questions, are you?" Jongin doesn't reply. "I was getting to that," she pauses before looking down at the paper in front of him and back to him. "You're the face of the group."

What.

No way this is happening. 

He's sure in the moment he has a big, stupid smile on his face, but he can't bring himself to care at all.

Kai.

Face of the group.

Jongin likes the sound of that.

"Now, we're pressed for time due to the large amount of members left to brief. I'm assuming you have no qualms with your name?"

Jongin shakes his head. "Good. You will be recording your debut album songs tomorrow and filming your first solo teaser next week."

"You are dismissed for the day," she nods. "Congratulations, Kai."

"Thank you!" he shouts proudly, bowing as he's dismissed out of the room.

He stands outside of the door in disbelief.

His hard work really has paid off.

He doesn't know how long he stands there before the next member enters the hall outside of the office.

"You good, Jongin?" It's Sehun.

Jongin looks up at him and smiles, getting a confused face and raised eyebrow in response.

"Yeah," he says confidently, gripping the door handle tightly. "I'm good, Sehun."

Without the usual hesitation he bears, he opens the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're nearing the end of this fic :))


	15. let's undo each other's handiwork

Recording went by fast. Filming went by even faster.

Almost too fast.

Overall, it took around 2 days to complete recording the songs for their whole mini album and other miscellaneous tracks to be used in the teasers, and him a day to finish about 3 teasers since he rehearsed the routines beforehand with the choreographer.

And that's only 3 out of the 12 he's supposed to appear in.

They're going big with the group it seems, if the 23 teasers they have planned for them is enough to say that. Jongin feels bad for the previous groups, considering that the amount of money spent on the production of their teasers is more than that of their own music videos.

The thought does nothing to soothe his nerves as the face of the group.

Sure, being face of the group sounds awesome on paper, but having the spotlight on him and all the pressure he feels before he's even debuted is a little bit too much.

Either way, he really can't complain, he's getting what he wants and living his dream.

His dream.

He tries to shrug off the feeling that fills his chest at the thought of the word, tries to think of something else besides a dimpled smile and sandbags tied to a lithe waist.

It doesn't work. 

The walk back to his room is spent in silence as he mills over his thoughts, and he suddenly remembers that he has a new routine to practice for his next teaser today. It's not exactly a disappointment as he thinks the practice will calm his mind much better than laying around and lounging in bed all day. 

Once he swings the door open, he changes into an outfit that's not horrendously flashy and styles his hair in a way that doesn't completely conceal his eyesight. At least it wasn't as bad as Sehun's.

Jongin spent the whole day in the recording studio laughing at the ridiculous style, and it got worse when Sehun attempted to glare at Jongin through his fringe. He still wonders what the stylists were thinking when they punished them in such a way with no guilt or remorse whatsoever.

Still laughing lightly at the memory, he moves to the nightstand beside his bed and grabs the file with his name written on it. The page he opens it up to reveals the teaser schedule and which members they would consist of.

His next teaser slated for release was not a solo, but instead, was going to showcase himself with another member.

Lay.

That's the member he'll be practicing with today.

Lay.

It sounds ridiculous and sort of half-assed. Isn't it a brand of potato chips they sell at 7-11?

It's obviously a stage name, and one that makes Jongin question just what the company or the member had in mind when choosing the name. It makes no sense, but he figures he can always ask him what it means when he gets there.

He glances at the gaudy watch strapped onto his wrist and sees that he has time before going out to the practice room.

Their practice room.

His heart feels empty for a quick second, and Jongin groans at the feeling, falling back onto his bed.

Stupid heart, stupid feelings, stupid everything. Stupid him for not getting a grip on his emotions and letting Yixing go as easily as he did. A fool for allowing them to go this long without so much as an explanation or apology on his part.

He doesn't know why all of a sudden he's feeling so tired and drained, but he welcomes the feeling anyway.

He puts an arm over his eyes to block out the light above him and falls into a dreamless sleep.

 

As he wakes up, his head is pounding and he feels really, really groggy. He quickly checks his watch to see how long he was out for.

He gapes when he sees that its 2 in the morning and that he completely missed the practice that was supposed to be at 5.

Oops.

At this point, he can either fall back onto his pillow, come up with an excuse as to why he didn't show up, and forget it was even scheduled in the first place, or he can be productive member of a group that has yet to debut and get up to go practice in the dead of night.

While the first option is very, very tempting, he decides it's best he works at it after getting numerous hours of sleep. The bed creaks as he rises from it and he walks over to the cabinet that houses his towel before getting to the door, the whole ordeal all too familiar.

He tries not to think about that. About the past.

When he finally reaches the practice room's shut door, he notices that the lights are on inside. He tries listening for any footsteps or hard breaths, but doesn't hear any.

He ignores the disappointment that fills his chest.

Someone probably just forgot to turn the lights off on their way out. It happens.

He opens the door and steps inside. The faint light doesn't do much to illuminate the room as he walks to his side of the room, setting his things on the floor so that he can stretch out. He thinks he hears something else in the room, but shrugs it off in favor of starting his much more important routine. He switches his speaker on and plays a song for one of his future teasers, the memory of the routine not engraved into his mind, but his body instead. 

Before, he would never dare to stare back at his reflection in the mirror as he danced.

But that was then.

Now, he stares his own reflection down as if he were being filmed, as if he were in front of a crowd of hundreds, thousands, millions even. He has a long way to go in terms of his confidence, but he'll be damned if he shows it right when making an impression matters.

He is not and will not be scared, shy, self-conscious Jongin up there. He is the confident and captivating face of the group, Kai.

He doesn't know how long he dances for without stopping, the only tell-tale sign being the sunlight that peers from the window and the god-awful watch still strapped onto his wrist. Figuring it's time for a break, he sits down by his things and downs all the water he brought with him, no longer ice-cold and instead lukewarm as it runs down his throat. He brings his wrist up to his face to check the time.

It's 5 in the morning.

The wrist that he was holding drops to the ground with a light thud and Jongin doesn't bother looking away at anything else, still staring at the spot his wrist was a second ago. From the other side of the room, he can make out the shape of an object.

An object that's not supposed to be here in a dance room in the middle of the morning. When his eyes focus on the mystery object, Jongin finds that it's not an inanimate object, but..

A person?

Boy, like this hasn't happened before. Jongin wants to roll his eyes at the realization, but lets out a gasp instead.

He'd recognize that person anywhere, even in the poor lighting the room offers. Jongin's spent most of his time gazing at him in this very light.

It's Yixing.

His breath catches and he finds it hard to do anything but stare at the slumped figure directly across from him. It's always been hard for him to take his eyes off of Yixing.

The call comes back again, and Jongin gives in to it, sluggishly getting up and nearly falling over from the lost support that the wall previously provided for him. He stumbles over to the other side of the room where Yixing still sat, unmoving as his head hung low.

His heart calls even more.

Yixing, Yixing, Yixing.

I'm here, I'm coming, I'm sorry.

Funny how it says the things he wasn't able to say before. If only his heart offered lessons on not being a fool or a coward. Lessons on how not to be Jongin.

Jongin doesn't know how long he stands over Yixing's form, listening to his breathing, and trying not to focus on the ropes that wound around him endlessly. 

It doesn't work.

He falls to his knees, feeling weak. The urge to cry is strong. 

Seems that's usually the case with Jongin.

It's a risky move, but Jongin doesn't really care. He cups Yixing's face and tilts it upwards so that he can see him properly. Even with drool dribbling down his chin and light snores coming from his parted lips, he's still the Yixing he fell in love with years ago.

Still the Yixing he loves now.

Jongin gently brushes his fringe out of his eyes and gently lays his head on the wall behind him. The towel beside him gets wrung tightly and wrapped around Yixing's neck as some sort of support in the awkward position. He brushes his hand on his cheek softly.

"I'm sorry," he whispers to the air. "I'm sorry I couldn't control my anger. I'm sorry I drove you away."

"I'm sorry I blamed my insecurities on you. I'm sorry I told you that I didn't want to hear what you had to say," he continues to the air, Yixing in front of him still in that awkward position Jongin helped him into. "You always mean the best for me. For both of us. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was a coward."

"Sorry I _am_ a coward. I'm sorry I'm a fool," he begins to sob quietly, unable to swallow his cries down any longer. "I'm sorry I ignored you when you called for me. Cried for me."

He sniffles, feeling the tears run down his cheeks even more each time he tries to blink them away. They never go away. They just pour out even faster.

"I'm sorry I walked out on you, Yixing." His eyes fall to his waist and shoulders.

Even with the tears clouding his vision, he can clearly see them.

He doesn't think he's hated anything more.

He finds the knot that holds together the strings attached to the sandbags scattered around him, and begins untying the ones around his waist. "I'm sorry."

The ones around his arms were the easiest to untie. "I'm sorry." he says. He unties the knots on the other arm. "I'm sorry."

He's nearly finished. All he has left are the ones around his shoulders.

He stops suddenly when he hears that voice whisper softly above him. The tears fall a little bit faster and his heart stops.

"Jongin?"

Jongin looks up slowly and finds Yixing staring back at him wide-eyed and in disbelief.

"Yixing," he calls faintly, almost afraid that he'll drive Yixing away again somehow.

It's quiet after that. Jongin is tired of being a coward and tried of beating around the bush. Yixing doesn't deserve that.

He's scared of rejection, but he's scared of leaving their relationship broken like this even more. It's a leap of faith that Jongin is willing to take for Yixing.

His heart readily agrees. It beats fast against his rib cage, giving him strength, and telling him to talk to him, to be honest.

Yixing is safe.

Yixing is home.

Even if he doesn't want to be in a relationship with Jongin anymore, he can accept his mistakes and wish the best for Yixing. He always will.

His mind is afraid and reluctant. It throbs in his head painfully, telling him to leave, to run away and never look back. To leave the problem as it is and wallow in his regrets in self-pity. If it means that he doesn't get rejected, then he'll do that.

But he doesn't want to run away from Yixing again.

"Can," he takes a deep breath. "Can we talk?"

"I heard everything." he says simply, unreadable emotion in his eyes. Jongin always found that his eyes never gave away his thoughts. They're still easy to get lost in.

Jongin takes a deep breath. "It wasn't all I wanted to say," he whispers. "I want to talk to you properly. So that I can explain myself. Not that how I acted was something totally justified, but you deserve to know everything."

"Well," Yixing starts gently. Even now, he's gentle with Jongin. He doesn't know whether or not it's foolish that his heart still calls. "I'm listening, Jongin." It's not venomous or demanding.

It's fond and delicate.

Totally and undeniably Yixing.

"To be honest, I was mostly mad that you thought," he looks to the knot still perched on his shoulder. " _Still think_ that hurting yourself is worth improving. Another part of me was jealous, kind of betrayed that you never bothered to tell me. I spent a long time wondering just how was it that we both started off at the same level, but you began to improve at a much faster pace than me. It made me feel like I wasn't-"

"Good enough." Yixing finishes for him.

Not a question or guess.

Just fact.

"Yeah." He lost track of what he was going to say afterward.

"I'm sorry, Jongin."

What.

"Why are you sorry? I'm the one who treated you like garbage when you were hurting. I'm the one who yelled at you. I'm the one who walked out," he swallows, not understanding just why in the fucking world Yixing is apologizing for anything right now. "I'm the one who should be sorry, Yixing. I'm the one who _is_ sorry."

"Who's to say we can't both be sorry?" he asks, confused look on his face as his lips purse to enunciate every word. "We all mistakes, don't we?" 

How can someone say something so wise, yet look so dazed?

"But-" he tries to argue, but gets cut off by Yixing.

"It's okay, Jongin," he says. "I forgive you. I know you're still young and you don't have the best grip over your emotions. That's why I wanted to give you space to think it out. To figure out what you really wanted."

Fool.

It'll be you every single time.

He decides against saying that for obvious cheese-filled reasons, and because Yixing isn't finished speaking.

"I should've known better than to keep this from you." he motions to the tight knots around his shoulders and looks back at Jongin with that unreadable stare of his.

"I'm still sorry, Yixing. The way I yelled at you was wrong of me. I regret it so much."

"Just because you have regrets doesn't mean that they should never be forgiven."

Jongin cries harder and hangs his head low. He doesn't know what to make of the conversation. He wants to fling himself into Yixing's arms, but he feels it's not appropriate to do so.

He feels his cheek being cupped by hands that aren't his own. "My Jonginnie," he hums, wiping his tears away. Jongin can hear him sniffling. "Please don't cry."

"You're one to talk." he says through the hiccups, looking up at Yixing, who has copious amounts of tears running down his own cheeks.

They both laugh, and the tension slips away bit by bit.

It's not completely back to normal yet, but Jongin will take what he can get.

Progress is needed for things to prosper.

It's like dancing.

They don't say "I love you." to each other that morning.

Jongin feels it too early to be saying it again, but he knows it could be heard in the air as they gingerly grasped each other's hands, watching as the sun rises to its peak and fills the room with light.

Before they leave, Jongin takes it upon himself to untie the ropes around Yixing's shoulders, pecking each one as he watches the ropes slide off. Watches as Yixing is freed from their hold.

He tugs his hand to help him up off the ground.

The sandbags and ropes remain forgotten behind them as they walk out of the room together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmmmmmmm buddy i just could not have them saying "ily" and them macking in the dance room after all that no sir 
> 
> but damn...one more chapter to go i believe!! im gonna miss this fun, spiraled-out-of-control side project fic :^(((


	16. lean on me, rooftop dreamer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> overdue as hell but have a chapter of my boys bein soft gays

It's April 7th.

The day before their debut MV is slated for release.

Jongin can't wipe the smile off of his face.

Jongin also finds it hard to keep the tears at bay, threatening to spill out at any given moment.

Everyone's smiling as they interact with each other, buzzing with excitement as they go on to excitedly talk about their hopes for tomorrow. Their hopes for an impactful, well-received first step in the entertainment industry. Their hopes for the prosperity of their group in the future.

He can't possibly cry right now. He can't bear to think about possibly ruining such a heart-warming scene before him. It would make for a huge display of theatrics on a very special day during a very special event. That fact, and the hand that gently grasps his own, are the only things keeping him from bawling his eyes out. He looks to Yixing, who sits to his right with a drink in his hand and a worried look adorning his face.

Yixing squeezes his hand lightly, sensing something amiss with him. "Is everything okay, Jongin?" he asks softly.

He nods in response as he squeezes Yixing's hand back to offer some form of reassurance, unconsciously leaning towards him ever so slightly. "Yeah," he says absentmindedly. "I'm okay."

Yixing doesn't ask him if he's sure.

Jongin is glad he doesn't.

Before he can even think about crying again, he looks out to the wide expanse of the room in front of him. The other 10 members, along with a few of the staff, were in the room mingling with each other and filling the room with a happiness that warms Jongin to the core.

This was not how he expected to spend the day today at all.

Jongin finds that he doesn't really mind all that much.

The staff set up an impromptu "meeting" for the group today, bringing on both confusion and doubt for some of the members, Jongin included.

He was worried about their set debut date and whether or not the company decided after all to postpone or completely terminate the group that had yet to make its mark and contribution to the entirety of Korean entertainment.

To say that Jongin was worried seemed like an understatement.

His dream was now in jeopardy. Yixing's dream was now threatened to be wiped from the realm of possibility.

Thinking about Yixing's hopes and dreams coming to a halt made Jongin feel even more hopeless than ever before.

Their dream might not come true.

He had no resolve to keep him grounded.

He was nervous. Crushed. Curious. Unsure.

He was scared.

For the both of them.

He talked to Yixing about his worries, hoping to find some solace in what he may say about the possibilities that stem from their current predicament.

What he got in response was a peck on the lips, comforting and sure grips on his trembling hands, and logic that he couldn't really argue against even if he wanted to. (Especially if it's coming from Yixing.)

"I highly doubt they'd do that to us right before our debut, Jongin," Yixing chided with raised eyebrows, almost as if he were baffled that Jongin would think such a thing. "Sure, our company isn't known for being the most kind, but it's a business to its very core. All that money poured into filming, outfits, staff, and us is too great to just let go."

Jongin nods his head slowly and lets out the breath he's been holding for the past minute. "Right," he says calmly, mostly convinced by Yixing's words. "Of course. That makes sense."

Yixing cups Jongin's cheek, fretting over him as he seems to still have some doubt as to the reason for the meeting that was going to begin in 10 minutes.

Yixing smiles lovingly at him, and rubs his cheek with his thumb. "Do you trust me, Jongin?"

Jongin doesn't even need to think about it.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Always, Yixing. "Yeah," he answers immediately, a light whisper of an answer that leaves his lips. "I trust you, Yixing." he says more audibly, now gazing into his eyes.

With a blink, Yixing smiles that dimpled smile that makes Jongin feel all giddy and warm; that smile that never fails to end up with Jongin smiling himself. "I'm glad."

An indefinite amount of time passed as the two stood gazing at each other, Yixing's hand still caressing Jongin's cheek, and smiles still adorning their faces. Jongin wills himself to tear his gaze away from his lover to check the time.

It's 2 minutes before their designated meeting time.

With newfound confidence, he gingerly raises his hand to grasp Yixing's and pecks it twice before sliding it within his own. "Ready?" he asks.

Yixing nods his head in response, tightening his own grip on Jongin's hand. "Ready."

Jongin found himself to be much more calm as he and Yixing made it to the room that they were meeting in.

By this time, they had separated their hold on each other, and were bombarded by burning questions and ecstatic greetings from their other members.

The talking did well to distract Jongin's thoughts from lingering any farther than they should, and he often found himself meeting Yixing's gaze unconsciously as he spoke to other members, getting a slight nod or smile in response every single time. The small gestures did well to keep Jongin grounded and functional as he continued his short conversation with Sehun and Tao.

Then, the inevitable happens.

Right on the dot, audible shushes could be heard from behind the door, and Jongin looks to Yixing one more time just to be sure.

Of what?

He doesn't really know himself.

It's going to be okay. Is what he thought as he heard the door click and open slightly.

I'm okay. Is what he thought as a staff member poked her head out of the opening she made for herself, and announced that everyone was to enter as a group at once.

I'm fine. He made his way to Yixing's side, sneaking in a quick hand squeeze for reassurance.

We're alright. Is what he's sure they both thought as they made their way inside the room.

Uncertainty looming over most of the members, they slowly filed into the room. Once all 12 were inside of the unlit room, poppers went off and streamers were tossed their way as someone switched the lights on, and cheers of unintelligible words came from every corner of the room.

The spectacle nearly scared Jongin and many others to death, but ended up affecting the taller members the most as they were left with a mess of glitter and colorful confetti all over them. Although troublesome to shake out of their hair and clothes and get themselves back to a normal heart rate, the thought was sweet and every comforting all the same. He turns to Yixing and smiles brightly, a product of both relief and happiness. A two-in-one party that is being held to both congratulate them on their debut and ease their nerves for what's to come.

What's to come.

He looks at Yixing as he sips away at the drink in his hand, returning to the pleasant reality that is now.

Even though, regrettably, Jongin isn't a psychic, he knows that what's to come will be nothing less than success and happiness for them all. A fool's hopeful wishes, maybe, but it's not such a stretch to claim it either.

He looks around the room once more just to solidify his beliefs; that they were all worthy of basking in glory and fulfilment.

His heart swells with pride, not only for just himself, but the fellow group members that he's come to know and understand better these past few weeks. Some were met through Sehun, some through Zitao, and some through Yixing. They're all nice people, and he feels lucky that he's debuting with people who are just like him. People wanting to follow their dreams in the music industry.

It's just as Taemin said.

His eyes begin to water, and he isn't even surprised that this is the outcome of such thoughts on such a special day.

Right beside him, he can see Yixing leaning forward to assess his current state, ready to address the pools that Jongin can feel forming. As expected from Yixing.

What's not expected, however, is a huge blob of brown something blocking his view.

He's also not expecting the snickering that seems to come from the odd source, or the unpleasant, erractic hair-ruffling.

"Happy to see this face, aren't you?" the familiar voice teases, and Jongin instinctively reaches up to rub at his eyes. "Sweet crybaby Jongin, don't cry. Sehun's here now."

Yixing and Zitao rolls their eyes at Sehun's antics.

"Shut up," Jongin snapped, heating up at the embarrassing mocking he's being put through by his so-called "friend". "I am not a crybaby, Sehun. I'm just..." He turns to his boyfriend in attempts to signal for help, only to find that he and Zitao are engrossed in their own conversation. "More emotionally charged than some people." he finishes.

Judging from Yixing's half smile and Zitao's continuous giggling, the two deliberately decided to slink away without raising suspicion.

Curse you, Zhang Yixing.

"That's what they all say," Sehun says sarcastically, bringing Jongin's attention back to him once more.

"I hardly cry in front of other people besides Yixing, and you cry just as much as I do, Sehun."

"Do not."

"Do too."

Sehun doesn't seem to be willing to back down as he begins to whine about the accusation.

Jongin huffs and drops it. He feels Yixing's arm link with his own as he scoots closer to him.

Jongin feels warm.

"I love my emotional crybaby," he whispers into the air, erasing the warmth Jongin was feeling.

Jongin voices his complaints, "Hey-", only to be cut off by Sehun.

"Get a room, you two," he teases like the little shit he is, all-knowing look in his eyes. "Come on, Tao, let's go talk it up with the other members before they start getting all mushy and soppy." He tugs at Zitao's hand, leading him to the other side of the room.

Zitao, looking completely and utterly confused, says bye to both Jongin and Yixing.

They're left alone once again.

It remains that way throughout the whole party.

Just Jongin and Yixing side by side.

And Jongin wouldn't have it any other way.

 

After helping the staff with the cleanup, all of the members made their way back to their dorms, weary and hopeful for their debut tomorrow.

When Jongin and Yixing split off from the others, Jongin feels his arm being pulled back just before he reaches for the doorknob to their shared room.

He turns around with raised eyebrows, wondering why Yixing pulled him back. Surely, he must be exhausted too. Jongin wants nothing more than to snuggle with Yixing and knockout on the bed, and doesn't quite get why his boyfriend wouldn't want to do the same.

Before Jongin can ask anything, Yixing tells him, "I want to show you something."

Despite wanting to fall asleep and await tomorrow's events, Jongin can't find it in him to say anything. Not when the incessant hand that tugs his own leads him down a hallway unbeknownst to his recollection of the building's layout. The building that's been his home for the past 4 years.

He watches as Yixing pulls something hanging from the ceiling, and a ladder unfolds itself to where it barely hangs over the floor.

Jongin's a bit puzzled with what Yixing's planning, but trusts him enough to go through with whatever he wanted to show. He climbs up the ladder as Yixing calls him up, face barely visible because of the night sky.

Yixing reaches his hand out when Jongin is close enough, and Jongin grabs hold tightly.

While Yixing helps him up the ladder, his mouth is gaping as he eagerly drinks in the beautiful sight before him.

The city that seemed to reach the heavens was now level with them, or rather, they were level with it. Jongin is left in awe, marveling at the gleaming lights that make up the scenery, and left wondering just why in the world anyone would want to leave this place after witnessing such a sight.

In his silent amazement, he almost doesn't notice what's going on around him as he hears the click of a button that is almost inaudible with the stream of honking cars below them. He can barely make out the lyrics of the song that immediately begins to flow throughout the rooftop. 

He knows right away that this is all Yixing's doing.

If Jongin weren't so occupied with trying to memorize the scene and its many details, he'd laugh at the mood that Yixing is setting. He makes no move to resist the embrace that he's being pulled into, still looking at the moon, the stars, and the infinite amount of sparkling lights that adorn the buildings that surround them.

The moonlight shining down on them melds with the city lights, and Jongin welcomes the sight that nearly makes him swoon. The cool, yet soft light that compliments the numerous bright, neon lights, and the hand at his waist serve to create a warm feeling in his chest. 

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Yixing asks, almost expectantly. 

Jongin thinks it's an obvious answer, but entertains his lover nonetheless. "It is," he says, still in a state of wonder. "I think I could stay up here forever."

"But if you're up here forever, who's going to be superstar idol Kai?" 

Jongin snorts and nudges Yixing's shoulder with a closed fist. "Think someone's going to spontaneously invent holograms by the time we start promoting?"

He hears Yixing hum thoughtfully, face contorted as he thinks of a comeback. When he smiles and shows off his dimple, Jongin thinks he's found his answer, and braces himself for the cheesiest outcome. "I hope so, and I honestly wouldn't even mind," he says, gripping Jongin's hip as he pulls him closer. "Not at all if it means I get to spend more time lazing around with my Jongin."

And as expected, it's the cheesiest thing ever.

Jongin still finds himself reddening at the statement as his heart flutters in his chest.

It's quiet for a while after that. The music pouring from the speaker behind them plays softly as they flit their gazes from the moonlit city and back to each other. 

"Can you believe that it's actually happening?" Yixing asks out of the blue. Jongin tries not to note just how well his voice melds with the music playing in the background.

He swallows the lump forming in his throat. "No," he admits. "Not really."

Yixing pulls him impossibly closer. Jongin isn't surprised when his vision gets all cloudy, eyelids blinking quickly to chase away the watery sensation.

"Me neither," he replies, perching his head on Jongin's shoulder. "But we did it."

We.

His throat is closing up and he tries desperately to hold back the sobs that threaten to spill. "Yeah," It comes out as a choked whisper. "We did."

"Our dreams are coming true," Jongin doesn't have to be told it's happening.

He already knows.

"Do you remember when you told me that I was your dream?" he asks so innocently.

Jongin still finds himself flustered and a little bit embarrassed at the reminder of his cheesy confession made back then.

"Of course," he whispers. He can definitely be sappy too. Seems like it would be one of those nights. "You still are, Yixing."

A dream he lost at one point.

He tries not to think about that now.

"Is that so?" he sings teasingly.

Jongin nudges him a bit harder this time. "You're the worst." he mumbles, his face ablaze even with the chilly breeze that sweeps over the roof.

Yixing just giggles, and Jongin can't help but do the same.

"You're my dream too, Jongin." he says, lifting his head from Jongin's shoulder to wipe away the stray tears that fall down his face. 

Despite the heart pounding in his chest at the confession, he groans in light-hearted exasperation at the audacity of his boyfriend in a situation like this. "You really are the worst." he says through hiccups and giggles.

Yixing tears himself away from Jongin's side to stand right in front of him. He wipes his tears away with his thumbs, and once he's finished, he keeps his hands there, cradling Jongin's cheeks with a fond smile on his face.

Jongin feels like he's going to explode.

The high felt with Yixing has never gone away.

Jongin doesn't think it ever will.

He finds that he doesn't mind the notion all that much.

When Jongin leans forward to meet Yixing's lips, more tears spill out from the corners of his eyes.

It's a slow, chaste kiss between them. A chaste kiss that then turns slightly heated when he bites on Yixing's lip, asking for permission to enter; a request that is always readily accepted. Jongin's tongue slips past parted lips and melds together with Yixing's instantly, eagerly; a kiss not of exploration or discovery, but of familiarity and homeliness. Even with their experience, their teeth still manage to clack together when Jongin shifts a certain way in response to the grip on his hips, and when they part to gasp for air, saliva can be seen glistening in the moonlight as some of it dribbles down each other's chins.

Perfect, perfect, perfect. Is what his mind tells him when he kisses Yixing.

It's what it tells him when he looks at Yixing as he smiles back at him under the moonlight.

Perfect, perfect, perfect.

His heart readily agrees with that sentiment.

With a sudden bout of affection, he leans over to nuzzle and pepper Yixing's neck with kisses, deciding to be a little tease by breathing out little puffs of air onto the exposed skin.

Yixing squirms in his hold and starts giggling uncontrollably. Even though Yixing is the stronger one of the two, he's unable to break away from the hold that Jongin has on his waist.

"Jongin, stop it!" he yelps through the giggles. He's not using much force as he pushes Jongin away.

Jongin decides to take pity on Yixing and stop the barrage of breaths on his poor, sensitive neck, but not before puffing one last time for good measure.

Not a good idea at all.

With another yelp, Yixing yanks himself from Jongin's hold and accidentally stumbles over the mess of their tangled legs.

Only, he doesn't let go and takes Jongin with him as his back hits the floor.

Worriedly, Jongin asks if he's hurt.

"Yeah," Yixing replies with a groan. "I'm okay. You?"

"I'm fine."

The two stay silent after that, with Jongin staddling Yixing's hips as he props himself up on his elbows, just staring into each other's eyes in the moonlight.

The moment is absolutely perfect.

Until they start bursting into laughter at what led up to them being in this position.

Once their laughing fit is over, Jongin leans closer and cups Yixing's face ever so gently, kissing him softly on his cold lips. He touches his forehead with Yixing's.

"I love you." he whispers.

The "I love you, too." he gets in response is enough to have him speechless.

Jongin knows he doesn't need to say anything more, and the two stay in that position for a while.

He's a bit disheartened to hear a groan of discomfort from Yixing as he shifts his hips a certain way.

The sandbags burned into his memory can be seen for the briefest of moments, and Jongin is both enraged and disappointed at their appearance.

With an endless flow of murmured apologies, he swings his leg over Yixing's hip and scoots closer to his side.

And they sit together like that for an indefinite amount of time, talking about anything and everything while gazing out into that vast sea of glittering lights.

  
The sun is beginning to peak over the horizon, the light reflecting off of the glass of the buildings surrounding them; a natural contrast to the artificial, neon lights that made up the same landscape just hours before.

Jongin, while in awe at the sight before him, absentmindedly places his hand atop Yixing's own. It's cold and soft to the touch. He curls his fingers around Yixing's own.

In response, Yixing leans closer to Jongin and rests his head on his shoulder.

The scene before him is eerily familiar. He's thought this up before. He's desired something like this before.

To find his place. To make his mark. To stand atop this building and feel as if he's done his best.

It would be a lie to say he accomplished his original dream to the tee.

He's not exactly a somebody just yet.

Yet.

He peers over to Yixing's tuft of hair and finds that "yet" is something that doesn't really bother him anymore. He can wait.

This is better than what he thought up all those years ago.

With Yixing by his side and leaning into him so lovingly, he doesn't mind that this is reality that turned out to be.

Even without all the fame and glory surrounding his person, Jongin thinks that, yeah, he's become a somebody.

They've both become somebodies. One who lets his emotions lead, constantly has tear-streaked cheeks, and a patterned towel. Another with endless experience, a lid on a seemingly nonexistent temper, and binding sandbags.

The two dreamers huddled together as they stare down that golden sun, still rising higher and higher; the only evidence of time passing. The two dreamers that are each other's safety cushion to fall back on. The two dreamers that have taken that nerve-wracking first step together, hand in hand, walking at the same beat.

The two dreamers that have become just that.

Somebodies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowee this is wayy overdue, but i only recently got the motivation to finish this half-written draft sitting in my phone collecting dust. i forgot how nice it was to just write for myself, without certain deadlines or specifications. im off to school again, but i think i can try and juggle writing even if im chin-deep in schoolwork atm. 
> 
> on a whim i decided to read this one shot turned mushy chaptered mess, and kicked myself for not finishing it as soon as i planned (and the typos i seemed to miss as well). for once, i thought my writing wasn't too bad and actually read through all of something i wrote lmao.
> 
> anywho, many thanks to all who enjoyed, read, commented, and anticipated updates to this fic ♡ kaixing needs more appreciation and lovin y'all.


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